My two year old son is a well balanced, happy child however he is starting to challenge and assert himself. What is the best way of guiding and disciplining him without crushing his enthusiasm and sprit? Thanks!
The answer to this question would need to take into account your child's temperament, your own personality, your family values and your circumstances. Having said this, here are some suggestions:
1. While this can be very challenging, try to keep as calm as possible and hold on to your adult self. A parent acting out of rage tends to fuel an already volatile situation.
2. Be consistent in your approach. Don't threaten repeatedly - follow through with what you are saying.
3. Consequences speak louder than words. The reality of our world is that there are actions and consequences, and it is helpful for children to experience this in a safe environment, so that they are able to learn the difficult lesson that they cannot rule the world. Decide beforehand, where possible, what the consequences are, and try to match the consequence appropriately to an action. For example, if a child throws a toy at someone, take the toy away for a while. Children have a strong sense of justice - so the consequences need to be fair and consistent, and without any accompanying personal insults or nastiness towards the child. Again, modelling a calm approach will allow a child to internalise this behaviour.
A popular technique parents use is the 'time out' method. This should not be used as a prison sentence - the message of sending a child to his room is to say that he can't be around others if he is being hurtful or very disruptive, for example. I suggest you send your child to his room - as the purpose of time out is literally to give the child some time to ground themselves again. Therefore it is important that a child has some toys around, and doesn't feel time out is a scary thing. I prefer not closing the door - but calmly putting the child back in the room if they come out before they are told they can. It is also important that the parent decides when the child can come out - usually it is recommended that the time be the same number of minutes as the child's age - in your case it would be for 2 minutes.
4. Incentives are very useful in changing children's behaviour. It is probably better not to use too many sweets or chocolates, but to use stickers, or something that is not expensive or too much effort on your part. The reward should be offered as soon as the child does the desired action where possible - such as brushing their teeth, or putting on their seat belt.
5. Try not to get into a habit of constantly looking for things to correct around a child's behaviour. It is important to observe and affirm all the things the child does that is positive - as this will lead to good self-esteem, rather than feeling he always messes up. This is probably one of the most important points in response to your question, as positive affirmation prevents crushing the child's spirit.
Go well
Shira Jankelson-Groll(Counsellor at the Parent Centre)
My daughter of 7 is getting very rebelious ,rude & always want to do her own thing before she does anything me & her father asks,she throws tantrums in the morning when we wake her wich results in me coming late for work.It's like she has a split personality one moment she's fine loving & caring in 2 seconds she's totally the opposite.
It is not easy when you hava child who displays this kind of behaviour. Here are some points to consider as well as a couple of tips you may want to use:
1. Check what recent changes there are in the family or school ,if any. Children usually react badly to changes, especially if they have not been prepared before - hand . It sounds like there have been changes for her as I gather from your email that her changed behavior is rather recent. Ask her what is happening for her in her life. Do this when everybody is relaxed, not during a tantrum.
2. Some children are slow to warm up. Does she need more time in the morning? What is her routine at night? Does she go to bed and sleep early enough?
3. It can be useful to involve her in finding a solution. Have a meeting with her and say you have a problem with the mornings and that you need to get to work on time. Say to her “ let’s find a better way to make it easier for me and you in the mornings.” You and she need to give suggestions. Choose an option and work from this.
4. She needs assistance with managing her feelings. Help her express these in a more positive way e.g. You can say to her: “ I can see that you are upset but I don’t like the way I am being spoken to. If you are feeling upset tell me what you are feeling upset about. Tell me what needs to happen to help you feel better”.
5. Let her experience logical consequences. One of the solutions may be that if she is not ready, you will leave for work even if she is not entirely dressed. Of course, you will choose this option only if you are prepared to follow through. You could ask her what she thinks the consequences should be when you implement the process in point 3 above. It helps if both of you agree on this.
6. If you live in the Cape Town area you can also make an appointment to see one of our counselors who can guide you with some skills on how to manage her feelings and yours as well.
Sharon Paulus
Hi, I have a four year old son which is extremely shy and a introvert. He is an only child and sometimes he can be very clingy to me and his dad. He also cries a lot if he cannot do things the way he want it to be. We also have to motivate him a lot to try new things. According to the speech therapist he is on par with his age but she pointed out a few problem areas to work on at home. No speech therapy is needed. He is at a creche during the day and will talk to his friends, but not to the teacher or her assistant. If he have to it is very very soft and she can barely make out what he is saying. If he is at home talking is not a problem. All his other developmental milestones is on par with his age. My husband wants him to start school a year later at age 7 (his birthday is in October) to give him more time to develop confidence and to grow emotionally. He has spoke to the teacher and she suggest that he stay in the 4-5 year class next year and only start gr R the next year. We want him to Grade R at the primary school and not the current creche. I know many things can happen and change in the coming year. Your oppinion is appreciated.
t seems like your son needs to develop more confidence and improve his self esteem. He needs to get plenty of praise and admiration from his parents. In the beginning it may be difficult to find things to comment on, but it can be any small thing eg: "I like the way you did that/ what beautiful colours / gosh so much writing! / I love your drawings" etc It is helpful to comment on the activity or behaviour rather than to judge him personally. He needs to be made to feel that he is an important member of the family and needs to be treated as such. Perhaps some time in the day can be put aside (if you are not already doing this) where you ask him what he wants to do. You can set the limits and give him free choice within that range. On other occasions he can be given little chores/responsibilities and you can praise him when he attempts to accomplish them. He needs to get more attention and focus for positive behaviour than for negative.
It would be nice for him to have the opportunity to play with children his own age. At first he may say he doesn't want this, but what he might be saying is 'that is scary'. He needs to experience being with other children in a safe environment. Perhaps you could organise this. Keep meetings short and manageable to start with and in the beginning they may be in your home and in your presence. These suggestions require patience and consistency.
There are some advantages to keeping a child back. Perhaps you should try the above suggestions for six months or so before you make the decision. Thereafter it will be useful to consider the opinion of the teacher and your husband, not to mention what you really think is best for him.
All the best.
Susan Mitrani
Good Morning, I am aware that my 7 year old daughter and her friends are teasing each other about boys and having boyfriends. All which I know is normal. What is concerning me is the increased talking that I have overheard about taking their panties off and showing the boys, and boys and girls kissing each other on their private parts. How do I handle this?
It is good that you realise that a certain amount of relationship talk is normal. It is also normal for children of this age to have a natural curiosity about each other’s bodies. Certainly the “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game has been played by children of this age for a very long time. It is also good that you are uncomfortable about the “kissing of genitals” because this is not only unacceptable but also not commonly associated with the normal “sex games” played by young children (such as “doctor, doctor” and “you show me yours,”etc.) It may point to the possibility that some of the children involved have been exposed to oral sex- maybe in pictures, the internet or actual adults involved in this activity. The best way for you to deal with this is to acknowledge that there is a curiosity and to channel their attention to a good source of information such as a book showing the anatomy of both boys and girls. We also want to educate our children about their bodies, how to be safe, that our bodies are private, etc. That way, your daughter and her friends can have their curiosity satisfied in an acceptable manner. A good example of such a book is by Robie Harris – Let’s Talk. Along with this, you can also talk about good touches and bad touches, (We are always cautious about recommending this because children are sexual beings and “bad touches” can feel good to them- one actually needs to be very specific about places where they should not be touched by others, even if it feels good) when it is appropriate to have boyfriends and how to behave with a boyfriend. It should certainly be emphasised that having boyfriends is something that should wait until they are older and for now, boys should be seen as playmates and not as boyfriends. It is possible that one of the girls in the group has either seen oral sex or heard it talked about and is talking it through to process it. If you have not yet started talking to your daughter about sexuality, now is the time to start. If you do catch children playing these games, react very calmly, direct children to get dressed and then talk about curiosity and satisfy this curiosity by referring to books. Do try and find out where the child heard about ‘kissing private parts’ so that other parents can be made aware of it (school/crèche) and so that it can be addressed. Other parents need to know about this and the school could arrange a talk on the topic for parents and educators.
My daughter just turned four
When my four year old daughter is doing something that is dangerous we take her away from the place and tell her why we dont want her to play there, she then goes back and continue doing it, then after a battle of taking her away she will go to her granparents crying screaming and tell them we have given her a hiding. What is the way forward.
Thank you
I can hear you are very frustrated with your daughter, first she is not obeying you and secondly she is running to her grandparents with a made up story.
Four year old children are at a stage where they are becoming more independent and strong willed. They do however need to have structures in place, for their own well being and safety.
I do not know what dangerous things your daughter is doing or what dangerous places she is going to. If possible I would make these places completely inaccessible to her, as then the temptation for her would not be there and you can also feel more relaxed in your home or when you are out with her.
You refer to "after a battle" and I would suggest that is up to you not to get in to a battle with her in the first place. Fighting with a young child is like playing rugby with a pawpaw. It is messy and simply does not work. We, as the adults, have to respond to our children in an intelligent, thoughtful way, and we must not react in a childish way. If we lower ourselves to the child's developmental age we can be sure the problem is only going to grow worse.
We never advocate physical punishment as it merely teaches the child that " if I am bigger, stronger and more powerful than you , then I have the right to hurt you."
I suggest you talk to her grandparents about supporting you in your efforts to raise your child, as it sounds as if they may be part of your problem.
When you take your child away from a dangerous situation, make sure you offer her something else to do.
Be sure you are giving her enough one on one, full attention regularly, as she may be seeking your attention by doing something of which you do not approve.
Remember that she is only four years old and she needs lots of love, encouragement and praise for all the good things that she does!
Good luck, and please let us know if this helps you.
How can I get my child to share. My 5-year-old daughter is suddenly refusing to share anything with anyone. She never used to be like this. Is this just a normal phase that she's going through or should I be worried?
There may be all sorts of reasons for change in behaviour. Most commonly, it is about a new sibling who not only takes up much of mother's time, but has become mobile and into the older child's toys and games?
It is often easier for us to say 'give it to the baby' than to protect the 5-year-old from invasion, thereby giving her the choice to share or not, that which she once enjoyed.
Children are naturally generous when it is left up to their spontaneity and it does not feel like a demand.
When there is a game set out on the floor it is easier to pick up the baby and take him/her elsewhere. Otherwise, ask the older child if the baby may have some part of it?
How do I help my daughter know that she has a father but he doesn't want to be with us. How do I explain that he left us when she was three weeks old and never made the effort to bond with her till now when she is 9 months old. I'm not sure how to deal with questions when she is older about why her mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. Please help!
You are clearly still very hurt and angry about your divorce but it is important to separate your feelings from what needs to be done to ensure your child’s emotional well-being. I am pleased to hear that the father is making an effort to bond with the baby now. It is important to focus on the efforts he is making and to make the experience a pleasant one for him and your daughter. You would like this bonding and contact to continue and be maintained in future. Your daughter is still young, enjoy the time that you have together and do not focus too much on the issues surrounding your relationship with her father. As your daughter grows older and starts asking questions about him you can share the information age appropriately. Children don’t need to know all the ‘messy’ details about the relationship but they deserve to hear the truth from you and not someone else. I would also like to suggest that you go for counseling or join a support group for divorcees. It is important that you also take care of your emotional life as a single parent. When you do talk to your daughter about your divorce you could say for example that, “Daddy and I don’t love each other anymore or Daddy and I could not get along anymore even though we tried to get along with each other.” It is important to make clear that it is not the child’s fault and that divorce is something that happens between a mother and father.
Recommended reading for an older child – Dinosaurs Divorce - A guide for changing families by
Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown.
Recommended reading for you: Adjusting the Boundaries by Anne Cawood.
Good day,
My daughter is 14 months and i have chnaged nannies and she is not used to the new nanny. She has been with my previous nanny for 7 months and its been over a week with the new nanny. When i used to leave home before to go to work she never used to cry and with teh new nany she cries every morning and in the evening when i arrive she does not want me to leave her alone and with the old nanny she would play with her in the evening giving me time to cook.
When i am home she never wants to go to the nanny. What can i do during the day she is fine with the nanny. Could it be that she needs to get used?
It‘s not easy leaving a crying child in the morning and it must be very unsettling for you and her. It is still early days and she would probably need a few more weeks to settle with her new nanny. I think you must also remember that she was much younger when she had the previous nanny and built a strong bond with her. Your daughter could also be missing her previous nanny and feeling unsure about what is happening now. Patience, lots of reassurance and acknowledging her feelings is very important. You could say, “I know you feel sad when I leave, or, I missed you today and I can see that you missed me too.” Perhaps some practical things are needed to make the transition easier.
Pre- cooking meals for a while, so that you can give her the attention she needs in the evening. You could spend some extra time at breakfast with your child and the nanny to make the mornings easier for example. Children miss us during the day and need some time to reconnect with us. Thirty minutes may be all she needs with you to “refuel her emotional tank”. Give her hugs and cuddles, read to her or do whatever she likes. You could also have her close to you while you are doing your chores. If you are cooking have some plastic bowls or cooking utensils for her as well – you could cook together! I am also wondering if you had a phasing in period for the new nanny. This is important to help your child manage the change or transition. If you did not have a phasing in time, you may need to think of spending some extra time with your daughter and the nanny and over a few days decrease the time you spend with them. This will also make your daughter feel more secure and have the assurance that you will come back to her and not just leave her with a ‘stranger’. It will also give you the opportunity to observe the interaction between your child and the nanny.
Sharon Paulus
Good Morning, My daughter is 6 and she has never been a great eater. I am worried because it feels like every meal is an issue and becomes unpleasant, i'm not sure how to make sure she eats enough without constantly making an issue out of it. I'm concerned for future implications.
All children do not have the same kind of appetites. Some eat more than others. Some eat things that others would not dare eat. Some children eat faster than others too. It’s difficult for parents to observe this especially when you child eats much less than others and won’t eat the foods other children love.
But one thing we need to realise as parents is that children do not have the same sized appetites as adults, and what we may expect our child to eat may be far too much for a little child. We also forget that we as adults also do not like certain foods and have our own tastes and preferences.
If we force our child to eat, fuss over them at eating time, and make a big deal when they do not eat, we are heading for trouble. A power struggle will develop between the parent and the child and it will be difficult to break this.
So here are a few tips:
• Make sure your child is healthy. Give him/her a multi-vitamin and an immune booster. Omega 3 tablets are also a good idea.
• Try to find out what your child likes to eat and serve it to him/her.
• Always serve small portions.
• Introduce the foods she does not like slowly and in very small portions.
• Try to encourage your child to eat the new foods. But don’t force her if she really is refusing to eat it.
• Sometimes you have to let go even if she has not finished their whole meal. Don’t make a battle out of it.
• Praise her when she managed to eat their food.
• Try to limit luxuries. Say that your child can only have a luxury after she eats his/her meal.
• Encourage your child to drink water.
• Be flexible. Some children are not breakfast eaters, for example. Encourage them to eat toast, or a small yogurt, or a banana, or a smoothie, etc, for breakfast instead.
• Try to make meal times relaxing, a time to talk about each others’ day, and not too focus too much on whether the child is eating or not.
• Observe your daughter to see if she is easily distracted as this could be one of the reasons why it is difficult for her to sit and eat a whole meal. Remove all distractions such as toys, etc. Rather involve the child in conversations throughout the mealtime. Try to encourage your child to focus on eating and to enjoy food and mealtimes.
• Sometimes playing is more important to a child than food and eating. Try to encourage your daughter to make time to eat. Set the table and eat with your child. Make eating times pleasurable but not too long for her to sit through. Allow her to be excused from the table when she is finished eating even if she hasn’t finished her meal.
• Don’t eat in front of the television as the child may become distracted and not focus on her food.
• Try to see what your child has eaten over a period of time, and don’t focus only on the meal in front of her. You will be easily discouraged and frustrated if you just look at what she ate or did not eat at one particular mealtime.
• Don’t compare your child’s eating to how other children are eating. If your child is healthy she is fine!
• Relax and enjoy your meals with your child!
JANN WATLINGTON
SOCIAL WORKER / PARENT EDUCATION FACILITATOR
11/08/11
My four yr old son (only child)refuses to stay in his bed at bedtime. I have a well established routine. Toilet, teeth Story, Proper goodnight but still he is up and down for about 1 or 2 hours! I am feeling exhausted at this stage as his bedtime is 7.30 and he is often still awake at 9pm. He ends up exhausted the following morning. Any suggestions?? Thanks
From what you say in your email it sounds as if though you are on the right track with a good night routine for your son. It can be very frustrating when a child does not settle at night, especially if both of you have had a long day. I am wondering if he may need more of your attention before he goes to bed. Many times children do struggle to settle if there has been a change in daycare, your schedule, a major change in his life (e.g. Illness, the loss of a comfort object). This can certainly be unsettling for a child, leading to them needing to feel more secure. Persist with your routine but also consider if he is eating anything that could give him extra energy or watching TV programmes or engaging in energetic play just before bedtime. These activities could energize a child making it more difficult to settle at bedtime. A calm quiet atmosphere in the house around bedtime could also send a message to him that it is time to wind down. Giving your attention during the day or when your come from work( Just a few minutes to reconnect with your child after not seeing each other all day can make a big difference) may also help him to be settled at night. Some children may just need a parent to be in the room with them to help them make the transition to sleep. Don’t give any attention to the child, just be present in the room until the child drifts off to sleep. If he does get out of bed put him back in to bed. This will send the message that it is time to sleep. Persist and be consistent. It takes time.
hi -- Im involved and is staying with a divorsed lady with a 11 year old son in grade 5 . He is nagging his mom to get him a BB and Mixit .. im totally against it but he is really pushing hard , and im afraid that mom will give in . He is probally going to re do his grade because he is NOT working hard . He watches a lot of tv , and although i have been the hard one disciplining him i have had enough now . Im totally backing away now and let him do what ever he wants . Please advise .
callie .
Your interest in and concern about this young boy is commendable and very appropriate even though you are not his biological father. However, I understand your frustration and decision to withdraw from the situation. If you have a reasonably good relationship with the boy and if he responded positively to your efforts at discipline in the past, then there there is no reason why you cannot be involved in this. Perhaps it may be a good idea to talk this through with his mother first, helping her to be sure about why he should not have these items; that is if this what she feels.You also need to be sure about your reasons why his request should not be granted.You also mention his poor performance at school.This needs attention as well. If you are in Cape Town you and his mother could come for counselling at the Parent Centre. Our counsellors are qualified and very experienced. All you have to do is phone and speak to the receptionist who will book you. Please discuss this option with the mother and obtain her agreement to this option. Go well.
I have a very spirited four year-old boy who loves to engage me in any way possible. One of his favorite activities is playing a board game (such as snakes and ladders) with me. However, he feels as if he has to win. Losing is not an option. In fact he will do anything to avoid losing, including, cheating and confabulating new rules. I want him to learn that winning is important but that simply playing is even more important. I want him to learn that one does not win every time, and how to lose graciously.
Thank you for your very real description of a small boy learning to cope with his competitiveness. I would suggest that reasonably enforcing the rules and letting the game take its course is an appropriate response.
It seems that your spirited four year old son is handling his disappointment when he loses remarkably well, by trying to hold onto his tears before he cries and runs away to collect himself. It might be useful to reflect how he is feeling (e.g. It must feel so disappointing to not win this time), and affirm how well he is learning to handle his feelings when he does not win, which is hard when what it is matters.
Snakes and Ladders, of course, matter to a 4 year old otherwise he would not play it! I have not found it helpful to explain that it is just the playing of the game that is important, because it is not! The fun is to see who wins, and it is much more fun if it is me. What is useful is to model by our actions that we, too, want to win but because only one of us can win at a time, if I don't win this time, I will try again and again until I do!
Competition is part of living, better off out in the open with the appropriate feelings of elation or disappointment acknowledged. Otherwise, it goes underground and does not get the practice necessary to be used positively.
I have an 8 year old son who is very intelligent. His reading levels are on 3, his numeracy is on 3 at the moment as well. My question though is that his life skills are lagging he is currently on 2. By life skills I mean, organisational, working neatly etc. Working independantly is on 3, making friends is on 4, etc. How do I help or assist him with this. He has been seeing an occupational therapist at school but it is really not helping much as I am not seeing a change as yet. He loves going to the Occupational Therapist as he loves playing the games and sitting on the ball etc... What can I do with handwriting skills etc. The other concern is that his listening skills is on 4 but at home I have to talk 10 times before he does something and I have to constantly repeat myself, also he still wants me to bathe him, dress him etc but when he is away from me for e.g. at aftercare he does all of this himself. Is there a problem or should I continue to assist him. Looking forward to your response.
From the scale you sent me, 2 is not lagging at all. Fair seems to me an average level that is expected of the age group. It is asking a lot that he should be very good and excellent at everything he does. Every child has strengths and relative weaknesses. It is not unusual for boys to struggle more with both organizational skills and neatness of work both in presentation and handwriting. Your son appears to being doing well with the important parts of life skills, like working independently, listening well and more than coping socially. I would not be too concerned with his handwriting skills at this point.
However, there are some things you can help him with. Since he already does go to an OT, ask her to provide you with a home programme. If you do this a number of times a week, the work she is doing in therapy will be reinforced at home and can only benefit him. You don't mention how long he has been going to OT. If you are concerned about his progress, request a meeting with the OT therapist to discuss his progress and what she is working towards. You are paying for the service and you should be completely in the picture as far as his progress goes. However, bear in mind that OT is not something where one sees the effects immediately. It is a process which requires relearning muscle behaviour and this does take time.
During homework, you can also help out with the neatness and organizational aspects. Firstly set up a work station for him so that he knows where all his stationary belongs so that he can find it and replace it easily. Also, help out with the spatial orientation of his work. In other words, help him to lay out his work neatly form top to bottom and from left to right. Show him how to judge whether something will fit in the space or whether he needs to start a new line. However, don't hover and pick up on every mistake he makes. This could quickly lead to a situation where he would prefer not to try because he knows he can't do it neatly enough for you. Suggest and guide rather than insist. His teacher at school will also be working on this aspect of work as part of the grade 2 syllabus.
You mention a concern that his listening skills at school are excellent whereas you have to constantly repeat things at home. This made me smile since I have the same situation with my 7 year old. Schools are testing his ability to concentrate on a story or on what the teacher is teaching. It is wonderful that he has the ability to listen in these situations since that will serve him well throughout life. The listening you refer to at home refers to a different skill. It may help for you to call his attention before asking him to do something. By calling his name first and then wait for him to look up from what he is doing, and then continue with your request. He is only responding after multiple requests for a number of reasons. He may not be hearing you if he is totally absorbed in what he is doing, he may have learnt that you will repeat your request multiple times and therefore he does not need to respond immediately or he may be a child who is slow to respond temperamentally. He may need time to finish what he is busy with before moving on to the new task. You need to assess why he is not responding and make adjustments to how you deal with this problem. It is also important for you to have his hearing tested to confirm that there is not a physical problem to why he is not responding to your requests.
Your final issue over your concern about his need for you to help him to get dressed and your feeding him. He is definitely too old for you to be helping him in this way. Since he is doing it at aftercare, there is no problem with his ability. You need to draw the boundary over how much help you give him. He is possibly insisting that you help him as a way for him to get your undivided attention. If you suspect that this may be the case, make a concerted effort to make special one on one time with him when your only focus is him and what he wants to do. If he feels that he is getting enough attention in other ways, he may not feel the need to tie you to him when he is getting dressed and eating.
Helen Gosnell, facilitator at the The Parent Centre
Hi There,I have a 15 year old son who just refuses to do homework and this is now his 2nd year in grade 6? How do I make him understand the importance of having an education?
Thank you for your question. When I read it the first time I picked up that your son might be experiencing difficulties either at home or at school. It might be learning related because he is already 15 years old and still in grade 6 which shows a relative backlog. Also the fact that he refuses to do his homework could mean that he has difficulty understanding what is expected of him. It could be of help to also contact his teacher and discuss his overall functioning in the classroom to get an understanding of whether he has a learning challenge.
I suggest that you before you could touch on the importance of education he needs to understand the importance of him by sitting him down and discussing your concerns with him in a non-judgemental way and really listening to what he is saying and feeling. This might enable you to get to the real reason why he is not progressing at school.
Talking about sex to your teens: sometimes the most difficult part of any important discussion is deciding how to bring it up. Do you have a few ideas on how to tackle this issue please?
For many parents talking about sex induces feelings of panic, fear of giving too much information, embarrassment and nervousness Starting as early as possible may help ensure that your child gets his/her sex education from you, the parent, and not from the playground or the television. You are able to pass on accurate information and your values about sex.
Start early.
Ideally parents should start taking about sex and sexuality as early as possible. These discussions should be ongoing and be led by the child's questions
Answers to questions should be appropriate to the child's age and level of understanding.
For example if your child asks, Where do I come from?
A 3 year old needs to know that babies grow inside their mommy's tummy until they are big enough to be born.
A 4-6 year old needs to know about a seed from daddy joining with an egg from mommy to make you.
A 6-8 year old can hear about sperm inside the scrotum mixing with semen which carries the sperm to mommy's egg. The sperm and the egg find each other by daddy's penis carrying the semen to mommy's womb and one of the sperm joining up with an egg to start a new baby.
Only by 8years old are they ready to hear the whole story including the mechanics of sex. (This is only a rough guide and an example as children are all different).
What if you did not start early?
If a parent has not managed to talk to their child before they became a teen it would be important to be accurate about the information you are sharing as you want your teen to be informed so that they can make better informed decisions. Be honest about your own feelings about talking about sex if it is difficult for you to do
Get some literature on sex and put it in a place where your teen can read it at leisure and then you can talk about what they have read.
Use every day opportunities to discuss sex, for example, like when someone you know is having a baby, news articles, check when the school will be covering the topic in life orientation lessons and use this as an opportunity to approach the subject and find out how they feel about it.
Tell your teen about your own values about sex and tell them why you believe this.
Research has found that adolescents want their parents to talk to them not only about sex but also about relationships and life in general. Once you've had this discussion it does not mean it must stop there but should be an ongoing discussion about topics like abstinence, pregnancy, ways of sharing affection without having sex or being sexual, the emotional consequences of having sex, HIV/Aids and STD's, being safe in terms of sexual harassment, internet and cell phone sexual predators and contraception.
Parents should create an environment where the teen feels accepted and listened to, and not judged and disrespected, so that it would make it easy for the teen to talk about their concerns.
By Sharon Paulus, Social Worker at the Parent Centre.
How do I teach my children the right values about money, and how do I teach them to be social responsible?
1. Distinguish between needs and wants. Even if you can afford it don't buy them every time they ask for something they want but do not need. Giving children things they want effortlessly gives them the impression that there is an endless supply of money. It also emphasizes materialism.
There are special occasions for gifts, birthdays, Christmas, etc. when the child can get what he wants within reason. It is helpful to say,This is how much we can spend on.... Parents can help children avoid developing a sense of entitlement when they do not give in to children's demands.
Explain why when parents explain that the money they earn is enough to cover basic needs, rent/bond payments, and some saving for a rainy day, a car, holiday or an expensive household appliance that is needed, they learn that there isn't an endless supply of money that financial planning is important and that saving for a holiday, or something one wants and/or needs (new stove, etc) is an important value children must learn. It also teaches them to avoid debt.
Involve the child in exploring ways of raising money when she wants an item the parents cannot afford. e.g. child contributing by saving part of pocket money, doing small odd jobs around the house (over and above the agreed upon chores for which they do not get paid but is their contribution towards the smooth running of the home); for neighbour or relatives if child is old enough. Parents must give them the opportunity to want something badly enough to go after it themselves. Children learn that one has to work for something one wants and they learn to manage money.
Teach money management by giving children pocket money.
Start early. Children between 6 and 7 years understand basic arithmetic, understand what money is, so should be able to manage a small amount, with your help of course. Start by helping them make a list of things they will use the money for. This opens communication about money, about saving,etc and it is an opportunity to share your values.
Encourage saving. Create an incentive, eg. A child wants an item that pocket money will not cover; say to child that for every rand she saves, you will match with a rand. Besides teaching a child to save, this also teaches child to delay gratification.
Developing social responsibility. All of the above help to develop a child's character. Avoid lecturing and don't induce guilt by saying you should be grateful Children learn values when they experience them. Therefore parents need to make the effort to live the values they want their children to learn. e.g. appreciate the value of one's possessions; the effort that went into saving to acquire these and to look after one's possessions; respect, non-violence, honesty, compassion
Expose children to compassionate gestures people do for others or tell them about it. If you are not involved in any yourself, think about getting involved- no matter how small. Even the few coins you throw into a collection tin at the mall will help teach social responsibility. When you do this explain what it is for. Children are not exposed to much of this. Instead, they are exposed to so many real images of hate, cruelty, violence on TV and in the print media.
My 11 year old daughter recently asked me about sex and contraception. I am worried that she is thinking of having sex. How should I handle this? I strongly feel she is too young to deal with a sexual relationship.
It seems to me understandable and appropriate that your 11 year old daughter should be asking about topics that are made so public today. She is showing a trust in you to hear the need she has to make sense of it.
Our challenge as parents is to find a way to make sense of it ourselves, to be sure what it is that our children want to know, and to answer them where they are at. We also need to be aware of how our assumptions can get in the way of clear communication.
You might like to tell your daughter you will help her the best way you can to understand, but it will help you if she first told you what it is exactly she wants to know? Whatever it is she wants to know will give you an idea of what she already knows and why she needs to know more. Then it is best to give a thoughtful, accurate but SHORT answer. If she asks more, tell her more.
I'm never sure - how do I know when to punish my children and when should I rather give them a hug?
As a parent we cannot always be sure what to do with our children, and we don't always have the answers. When our children misbehave we are often unsure whether we should be firm and discipline them or whether they really need our attention, love and concern. There are however guidelines that are helpful. We have found that the most effective style of parenting is loving yet firm.
We would like to share a few ideas from Steve Biddulph's book, 'More Secrets to Happy Children' as it clarifies some of the parenting issues related to the above question.
Parents need to have two key abilities, softlove and firmlove.
Softlove is the ability to be relaxed, warm and affectionate. It is the ability to stop your brain from racing around, to trust your instincts, and to fend off the many pressures put on you from the outside so that you can be there for your child. Not everyone was raised with softlove, and so sometimes we feel more tense or uneasy when we are around children.
Firmlove is the ability to be kind but firm with children, to make clear rules and back them up, without getting angry, without being weak and giving in. Many people are confused about love because they think it is always warm and fuzzy. For instance, a father lends money to his teenage daughter who forgets to pay him back. That isn't love. Firmlove means saying, Of course I love you. And you owe me R50. So no more loans till you pay me back!
Firmlove is strength with loving intention, as opposed to being cold and hard. Good enough parents are firm with their children often, because they love them. For example, I can understand that you are angry with your brother, but tell him with words not with fists, or I can accept you had a frustrating day at school, but I am not prepared to have you shouting at me.
No one gets it right every time. Giving softlove and firmlove to your children is always a matter of finding your way, finding the balance as you go along. A parent who is kind and firm says things like 'I can understand that you want to go and play outside, but you are not going out in the rain and cold. Here, let's find something interesting to do in the kitchen.' This parent is aware of the child's need for activity but he/she is clear in their decision.You have to stay indoors when it's wet.
Good enough parents are willing to be tough with their kids because they know this will help them have a happier life.
(Biddulph, S. 1996, More Secrets of Happy Children. HarperCollins Pty Limited. Australia)
Written by Jann Watlington, Social Worker and Parent Education Facilitator at The Parent Centre
If I have only one hour to spend with my child, how should I spend it?
Be available.
Sometimes I suggest to busy parents that they simply sit down somewhere communal and comfortable, perhaps with a cup of tea or coffee, and surprise the child by doing nothing; no reading, no phoning, no writing, no calling out to anyone else, no chatting to another adult, not even any handwork (although this need not necessarily be a barrrier). Also, try not to direct the child in any way; don't make suggestions like 'why don't you ...' and don't offer to read or play or even talk to them.
The point is that you give the child the space to take the initiative and that you show yourself to be a hundred per cent available (for that hour) to watch, join in, stand by - whatever the child should choose, provided, of course, it is safe. Parents report that even toddlers take off and play on their own with huge contentment after this completely focused and child-centred time, whereas they might usually cling and cry for attention.
My daughter is 12 years old, in Grade 6. She has made me aware of a girl in school that is bullying her, which first started with verbal fights and has now escalated to physical. Yesterday the girl punched and slapped her in the face. My daughter is not a fighting kind of girl, and she has made it evident that she is scared of this girl. What procedure should i follow?
In South Africa, all schools have a policy to deal with bullying.If you are in South Africa go the the Department of Educations' website. You'll find it there The first step would be to report the matter to the principal. Both the bully and the victim will then be referred to a psychologist or a social worker as both need help.As a parent, ypou can also help your daughter by listening to her, acknowledging her feelings and asking her first what she thinks she can do about the situation. Brainstsorm with her ways of dealing with the bullying.Children often do not want their parents to come to the school for fear of further victimisation or ridicule by other learners.I hope this helps.Good luck. Fouzia Ryklief
I do I deal with swearing with my 3 yr old.
It is firstly very important to know that your child is not swearing because he/she knows it is bad. The feedback he/she is getting may tell him that it is not a normal word but unfortunately, often the feedback from adults is laughter and not censorship … and laughter encourages the swearing, even if it is followed by a lecture on the inappropriateness of swearwords.
The second important consideration is that children learn through modelling. You need to make sure that your language is clean as well as the language of other adults / older children in your child’s life. If the swearing is being picked up at nursery school, you need to have a conversation with the school around their attitude and response to swearing.
Finally, you need to explain to your child that some words offend others and then brainstorm fun words your child can use if he / she is feeling frustrated or angry eg fiddlesticks, flip etc. Make sure that when you speak to your child about this that you go down to her level and make eye contact.
Helen Gosnell
My husband filed for divorce after 10 years of marriage. We have two children, aged 8 and 5. Can you please give me advice on how to deal with separation or divorce - I'm hurt, but want to keep the children's lives as normal as possible.
A common concern of parents who have made the decision to separate or divorce is, How do we help our children cope through this painful, difficult time and the inevitable changes that it brings, with the least amount of emotional trauma?
One of the most important tasks for parents is to help their children understand that the divorce is not their fault, that their parents still love them and that there are ways to express their feelings about the divorce.
This means trying to see the world through your children's eyes, to understand what they may be feeling and thinking. Communicating consistently and creatively with your child is vital in this regard. This is particularly important as your children may express their sense of alienation, loss and grief differently. The child who appears to be handling it so well, may be more affected by the divorce than another who cries because he is missing his father and acts out in unacceptable behaviour, such as throwing tantrums.
Children often express their true feelings through activities such as playing, drawing, writing and baking, for example, lacking the emotional maturity to express themselves through words. These activities provide ideal opportunities for parents to recognise and understand their children's hidden feelings and to help them to learn to experience and express their feelings in a healthy way.
We would like to share a few ideas from Gary Neuman in 'Helping your kids cope with divorce the Sandcastles way' that we have found to helpful.
Parents of five-to eight-year-olds can help their children by:
- Making sure that they have frequent and regular contact with the ex- spouse
- Never criticising the ex-spouse around the children
- Maintaining a calm, positive attitude in their children's presence
- Establishing and sticking to a normal daily routine
- Maintaining consistency, particularly in setting boundaries and disciplining them and refraining from making excuses for unacceptable behaviour
- Encouraging them to talk about their feelings
- Being aware of their children's behaviour around other caregivers/at school etc.
- Being aware that their children may feel very possessive of them and feel very threatened by new people appearing in their parents' lives
Through modelling behaviour, teaching coping and communication skills and sheltering with love and support, parents can help their children to navigate this sad time in their lives in such a way that they are enabled to grow up emotionally healthy.
Children can and do live happily after divorce.
(Information sourced from: Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman 1998 Random House. New York)
Written by Judy Brice, Social Worker and Counselor at The Parent Centre
Our son turned 14 recently and has become a real rebel. He criticizes everything we do and doesn't keep to the house rules anymore, like being at home at six for dinner. Talking doesn't help- how should we punish him and please, how do parents survive the teenage years?
It is easy to be totally thrown by a sudden change in your child'ss behaviour. Raising teenagers requires a shift in our thinking and our approach to problem areas. It also requires a commitment from us to model the behaviour and values we want our children to adopt.
The first step in coping with this is to stand back a bit and gain a perspective. What is happening with your son is normal for the stage he is in. There are numerous developmental issues that everyone faces during the adolescent years. The normal feelings and behaviors include a movement towards independence, struggling with a sense of identity, identification with peers, less affection shown to parents, with occasional rudeness. This is besides the physical changes that take place. Children this age are mostly interested in the present with limited thoughts of future . They also test limits as a way to show their independence and your son is clearly doing this. He is also separating from you. This is a necessary development towards maturity and independence. This effort at separating from you often takes the form of rudeness or criticism. So don't take this personally.
The next step is to think back to when you were his age and ask yourself what you needed from your parents. Acceptance, having your feelings accepted, more flexibility with regard to rules and more freedom would be some of the things you may have wanted. He needs freedom, yes, but not to do exactly as he wants. Freedom within limits and independence within limits need to be negotiated with him because having some control over his life and being given choices are important if he is to develop into an independent thinking young man.
The 3rd step would, therefore, be to revisit the rules and decide which need to change and how much independence he can be given. He may be saying to you that 'I am growing up now and I should be allowed to come home a bit later and I want to have some say and control over my life'. Making choices and deciding how we want to spend our time is all about wanting to be in charge of our lives. He needs to be involved in discussing appropriate rules for his age and consequences for breaking the rules. Here is a process you can follow:
Acknowledge his need.
We understand that you find it difficult to be home at six when you are out having fun with your friends.
State your need or concern calmly.
But we also need to know that you're safe or We need you to be home by six because your help is needed with......
Invite him to find a solution that will be acceptable to all.
Can we discuss this and come to an agreement about a time that all of us will be happy with.
Also involve him in deciding what the consequence will be if he breaks the agreement.
He will be more likely to co-operate if he had a role in decision-making.
Finally, keep communication lines open and schedule time to spend with him(in an activity he likes. This will help to keep the relationship intact. This is what will help you to survive the teenage years. You can only influence your child positively within the framework of a positive, close relationship. So harsh punishment is out if you want to stay connected with your son.
I'm really worried about the bad influence of drug users and dealers in our community. How can I protect my children ( 14, 11 and 10)? They've told me that some of their class mates use tik.
When children bring up the subject in the way that your children have, it presents you with an opportunity to:
1. Truly listen to them, by encouraging them to talk about
- how they feel about taking drugs;
- what they would do if someone introduces drug s taking to them
- how they could assert themselves and say no! You could role-play/ play a game- what if one of your friend offers you drugs what would you say? -help them to formulate what it is that they could say or do without being branded as a spoil sport.
2. Express, strongly, your values, views and knowledge about drugs. This means, of course, that you must inform yourself - there is lots of information available on the internet, the local Drug counselling centre or SANCA (S A Council for Alcohol and Drug Addiction). You will also get information for the signs and symptoms of using. There needs to be a family position on the use of any drug. It is important that parents talk about this openly and express the family position. E.g. In this family we do not use drugs, drink alcohol, or smoke cigarettes because they are bad for our bodies, etc.
Prevention
1. Maintain open relationships with children- listening to them and acknowledge their feelings and opinions, without judging what they say 'this will make it safe for them to talk to you about what bothers them'.
2. Build self-esteem by: focusing on what they do right, the positives and give more positive feedback than criticism to them.
3. Encourage independence in making choices by giving them opportunities to become confident decision-makers. This means that you must let them decide for themselves from very early on, on a variety of things at first . Show respect for the small decisions they make, this will build their confidence.
4. Be a good example. When children see us reaching for a drink, even coffee, or a pill because we feel stressed, we give them the message that in order for us to feel better we must take something. Think of healthy alternatives when you are stressed. Our values and beliefs must be reflected in our behaviour.
5. Create opportunities for children to find natural highs and opportunities where they can do well and feel good about it.
6. Get to know their friends, make it easy for your children to bring friends home on a regular basis- make your home child friendly so that your children don't feel the need to find fun elsewhere.
It's nearly exam time - how can I motivate my boys (15 and 11) to study harder? They can definitely do better, they're just a bit lazy. In the afternoons they have to stay in their rooms and learn, but I'm not sure if they really do. Should I help them?
Being a parent of 2 sons, now grownup and who were very typically like yours, I can identify with your concern. I learnt that schoolwork problems are usually often discipline problems in disguise. It is also a power struggle and it is important to diffuse these struggles by following the cardinal rules of discipline in general. This means setting limits that are reasonable and sticking to them. So you are on the right track by restricting them to their rooms and being consistent about enforcing homework and study time. However, if this happens immediately after they return from school then maybe it's a bit unreasonable as children need a gap between ending the school day and doing homework or studying. Furthermore, you can force them to stay in their rooms but you cant force them to study.
Perhaps the following strategy will help.
Tell them that you are concerned about their school work but you know that learning is their responsibility and you want to hand over that responsibility to them. Follow this by giving them a choice in deciding on a study and homework schedule. Your help and support will come in the form of helping them with this schedule which all of you can live with - taking into account after-school activities and favorite TV programs and working in breaks.
Give choices - but not too many. If they want to watch a show before beginning work, this is in order but then they have to sit down and get started - even if that means missing a "very important" program later.
NB! Leave the issuing of expectations and consequences to the school. They will learn from experiencing consequences at school when they haven't done their homework.
Is it too early to discipline a 10 month old child?
Yes, it is generally thought that it is too early to discipline a child until he/she has at least ventured forth from the lap, and needs protection from hurting herself and later hurting others. Even then discipline should take the form of the parent taking action to ensure her safety, rather than expecting the infant to understand.
Infants do not have the capacity to manage their own anxiety, and are easily overwhelmed by it. It is not naughtiness.
The caregiver who murmurs reassurances, comforts, soothes, distracts, plays as well as meeting the child's physical needs, allows the child to learn trust, which is the foundation of all development.
I have two children aged 8 and 5 who continuously fight with each other. They often hit and kick one another and I do not approve of this. The elder one is often nasty to the younger one (saying and doing things that she knows he does not like) which causes him to lash out. Please give me suggestions as how to handle the situation when it arises.
Fighting in a family is very common. With two or more children in a family, there will always be some degree of bickering, arguing or teasing. Parents often feel disappointed about this and respond in different ways: by interfering, taking sides, ignoring or punishing one or both of the culprits. However, most siblings also show a liking or loyalty to each other, which outlasts minor irritations and it has been said that minor squabbling among siblings can have positive outcomes. It can teach children how to defend themselves, stand up for their own rights, express their feelings, and resolve conflicts. However when sibling rivalry becomes excessive, it is time for parents to intervene quickly. Parents should not tolerate frequent destructive teasing or baiting which can tear down the other's self-esteem, and physical attacks or fights where injury may be the result, should not be allowed by parents under any circumstances.
Some ways of dealing with fighting are:
Teach the children how to express their feelings of anger or annoyance directly to each other, as letting angry feelings out is better than forcing them underground. Acknowledge their angry or hurt feelings, but make it clear to them that you will not allow them to harm each other physically (hitting) or with words (name-calling, ridicule or destructive teasing).
If the intensity is too high, separate them and keep them out of each other's way for a while until they are ready to make up. Often fighting-time coincides with hunger periods, as lowered sugar levels lead to irritation and short tempers. An organised tea break of biscuits, juice or sandwiches often reduces conflicts.
Don't be afraid to offer rewards. When two siblings are constantly fighting, say to them, Look, if you two play together this afternoon with either of you hitting, fighting or calling names, I'm going to give you both a surprise. I can't tell you what the surprise is now, but it will be something you both like. If I hear absolutely no fighting of any kind for the next 2 hours, then you both get the surprise. But if either of you starts arguing , then nobody gets the surprise, no matter who starts it. Do you understand? As a reward you might give each one a favorite snack, small toy or trip out somewhere you know they like to go. Don't give up if it doesn't work the first time. Tell them they can have another opportunity at another time soon.
Encourage good play whenever you see it instead of heaving a sigh of relief when you notice and quietly creep away. It is a very important rule for parents to become aware of giving attention to and praising good behavior as in this way we are teaching, rewarding and reinforcing that behavior. Unfortunately too often it is only the bad behaviour that gets our attention, which then reinforces the very behaviour we wish to eliminate.
Teach your children that it takes two to fight. They actually have a choice to accept or decline the invitation of the other to fight. They don't have to react to every teasing word or action but can learn to ignore the other sibling, and walk away.
My son of nine always enjoyed school, but suddenly he doesn't want to go anymore. He says there is a new boy in his class that's teasing him and calling him names. How should I deal with the situation?
As it is a new boy, it could be that the school might not yet know that he has been bullying your son and perhaps other children, too? It is up to the school to find out about the child's circumstances and take/recommend appropriate action. Children who bully other children are often frightened children who are being bullied themselves within the home. It is very sensible of your son to tell you about it and it might be just as important for him to tell his teacher about it as well. The bullying must be stopped.
I am glad you are taking your son's confidence seriously. It is an indication that he trusts you to both protect him and help him to problem solve. There are many ways in which he could choose to respond. Ask him what he has thought about; ask him what he has tried and what he has seen other children do about being bullied. Add some suggestions of your own and then let him choose the option that he feels most able to apply.
It is a good idea to role play it. Let him role play the bully and take his role and then the other way around. Practice boosts confidence and helps us feel in charge.
Bullies often pick on children in whom they sense vulnerability, because the bully is afraid of his own vulnerability. Your son can surprise him by standing up for himself despite his fear - that is true courage.
We're moving from a quiet town to the city in two months' time, as my husband got a new job with a much better salary. How do I prepare my children of 9 and 7 for the move and big change in their lives? Both were born in the town and they're very happy here.
I expect, like you, the children will feel a mix of excitement and apprehension about a new chapter in their lives, as well as the feelings that go with loss.
Talking about the feelings as they come up - or get acted out - is the best preparation.
Simply saying; "I am going to miss ... ", as often as it comes to mind, is useful as it gives the children permission to express how they feel about leaving behind all sorts of people and places that mean a lot to them. By being in touch with the feelings and being able to name feelings, we begin to work through the losses and put ourselves in a better position to embrace the new.
Saying good-bye is an important ritual that gives closure. One often hears the lament "but I did not have time to say good-bye!" There will be sorting before the packing and inevitably stuff to be left behind. Consulting the children or keeping them informed about what is going to happen to stuff works well. When there are protests or tears, again feelings need to be given a name; eg "it is sad not to be able to take .... with us". Saying good-bye to school and other activities can perhaps be given some sort of ritual - a farewell cake or little notes .. ask the children for ideas.
In the same way, sharing plans and arrangements ahead prepare the way. I would suggest that you do not go into too much detail as children can find adult preoccupations burdensome. Children prefer to be told firmly that mom and are taking care of it and when they want to know more, answer their questions simply and accurately as they come up.
Obviously, a positive, confident approach is not only a comfort to the child but a source of excitement. I wish you all well in your new life.
It seems like my teenage daughter of thirteen, changed overnight. She spends hours alone in her room with the door closed, fights with her brother of ten all the time and is critical of me and her father. I know such behaviour was to be expected and I don’t want to overreact, but I’m also concerned about things like drugs.
The onset of adolescence can be sudden or gradual. Often a sudden onset goes hand in hand with a change in circumstances, such as a new school or a loss of a friend or a member of the family.
In any case, adolescence means struggling with a new image of oneself that is unfamiliar, and feeling uncertain of how one is seen by others, especially one’s peers.
You ask a good question; “What should my motto be?” I have heard it said that the last thing we should do with teenagers is to leave them alone. I agree with it as a broad principle, provided their need for privacy is also respected.
In order to keep the child (despite her teen-ness) in the communal space in the home for at least some of the time, I suggest that homework is done at the kitchen table or, yes, even at the coffee table in front of her TV soaps!
Encouraging her to stay in the family space requires our tolerance of her style and our protection of her space from encroachment by younger siblings.
Nothing gains the cooperation of an older child as much as giving her space within the family the respect that her emerging sense of identity craves. Eg “your sister is doing her homework in here, please play somewhere else for awhile” or “your sister and I are talking over something important, I’ll come to you when we are done”.
We also need to begin the daunting task of walking a tightrope between avoiding intrusive questions and at the same being interested and accessible. Teenagers are likely to criticize our efforts in this regard.
She may say; “don’t ask so many questions” and a little later “you are not interested in what I do”. But do not be deflected. You are her mainstay and although one moment she may feel she can take on the world, the next moment she may feel unable to take the next, simple step on her own.
It is counter-productive to comment on this changing about, but we must also resist the temptation to “walk on eggs” around her moods. Parents must keep to the task of taking charge of the structure of the child’s life, even in adolescence. At the same time, we take her emerging womanhood seriously when we listen to her thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
What effect will it have on a child if the father figure is absent?
It might depend on why he is not involved in the child's life, and whether the children would want contact.
Generally, children want and need their father's involvement. He expresses his love for them by wanting to spend as much time with them as possible; by being an important part of their daily lives. Many fathers have not experienced close fathering themselves and therefore do not realise the importance of this relationship.
If, however, it is not possible to engage father for whatever reason, then the child will have to be helped to understand this, and be helped to cope by talking and listening to the child. It also helps to involve male relatives in the child's life. This will counteract negative effects absent fathering may have. It is not helpful to dwell too much on possible negative effects. It is better to help the child come to terms with the difficulties and build his/her self-esteem.
My 10 year old daughter won’t stop eating. All she ever seems to think about is her next meal. I’m worried she is going to land up with an eating disorder. What can I do to help her?
The best way to help is not to worry about it. Children pick up on our concern and it compels them to act it out. Provide healthy food and snacks, remembering that children need starch and fat and at least natural sugars, as well as fruit, vegetables and protein.
For hungry children, I like to suggest that two thick slices of fresh, delicious bread be put out on their side plate as well as their plate of food at each meal, and pudding at suppertime.
It is really helpful if you can not comment at all on her eating, or anyone else’s for that matter. Say no to whatever does not feel permissible, but without explanations and justifications. Simply say ‘no” in a casual, non-emotional manner. If her eating needs more detailed direction it is better to have a dietician do it, if that is possible.
My young son seems to absolutely hate being parted from me. Does he have separation anxiety and how can I alleviate it?
Yes, I imagine he has. You don't say what age he is, but no matter the age, it is up to us to convey to him that he is being left for a manageable length of time and that there is an expectation that he will have a good time.
As parents, we have to say no to our own separation anxiety that may take the form of fearing that no one can care for our child as well as we can, nor can anybody else offer him anything other than we have to offer him.
We can convey this by using a firm, calm matter-of-fact tone of voice, and by resisting the impulse to reassure him. A cheerful good-bye, see you later,even in the teeth of his resistance will tell him that you are OK about leaving him, and he will conclude that he is OK too.
What is the best way to stop my toddler from hitting and biting?
Just that, stop him. Watch carefully, and as soon as you see it start, get up swiftly and pick him up.
You can add, I will not allow you to hit (or bite). Show him that because you are in charge, he is not at the mercy of his aggressive impulses.
You can be counted on to protect him and his victims until he has learnt to not do it on his own. It does not require lectures or put-downs or punishment. If he goes straight back, stop him again, and again, and if it gets too much, take him home and try again another day.
My 22-month-old daughter rarely plays on her own. How do I gently teach her the skill of playing on her own for short periods of time?
There can be many reasons why children believe they must have a playmate at all times. But the one that I am going to use here, is when the mother has unintentionally taken responsibility for the child's play, so that the child assumes that is what Mommy is for - to play with me.
The child needs to know that play is her department. She needs to know that it is up to her what and how she plays in the moment. Play is how the child explores the world around her and experiments with how she finds her place in it.
Of course, we play with our children for their pleasure and for our own. But, to safeguard against taking over, it might be useful to wait to be invited. An early example is the infant who pretends to feed you and you pretend to eat what she offers. She has taken the initiative.
Encouraging her to play on her own does not seem to work very well, perhaps because she sees it as fobbing her off. So, I often suggest that the mother sit in a comfortable, communal place for about 20 minutes (not in the child's room or on your bed) with a cup of tea and some handwork if you like, so that you are accessible but not active. Don't make any suggestions. Resist all temptation to take the initiative. At the same time don't read, don't take or make phone calls, don't talk to other adults except in passing if need be. Just BE there.
If your child asks you to get up and do the playing for her, just tell her No, I don't want to. I want to sit here and see what happens. She may take time to get the message. When she does take an initiative, don't intervene. If she invites you to take part, do so only so far and no further than invited. Don't take over.
When she gets going, you can extend her choice of play if you like. E.g. Your bunny may be hungry. What do bunnies eat, do you think? Do you think he might like some leaves? But given your concern that she has had little practice in making her own play, I would not do this for awhile. Let her find her own way in her play.
How to deal with a 9-year-old boy who hates to study, although he likes to go to school?
This question could be answered in many different ways depending on the child's capacity and circumstances. But perhaps what applies to all of us is that our efforts to help our children learn can be encouraging, or discouraging, and we can tell by their responses.
If his results are not improving it might be that he is feeling discouraged, despite the opposite intention embarked upon.
Discouraged means he might feel that he can't do it, or he can't do it well enough to please you or his teacher or even that he is just not good enough!
If this is so, do not despair as it is easily turned around by finding and focusing on every tiny positive that there is, and at the same time stopping all that he might construe as negativity. I have found that our anxiety (we see it as concern) is especially perceived by the child as negativity, as a vote of no confidence. e.g. Such an intentionally helpful suggestion as 'let us just go over your spelling once more so you will be sure to do better in your test tomorrow' can translate into -mommy is worried that I am going to mess up- and then he does! Whereas a comment such as 'I can see that there are many words that you know really well for your test tomorrow', will give him confidence to get those right when the time comes, and may even motivate him to decide for himself to go over the others!
I am a single mother of a son who is reaching puberty. Because he doesn't have a father, I feel it is my duty to teach him about the facts of life. How do I do this without embarrassing him at this sensitive age?
You might be surprised how well informed he already is. Perhaps you can ask him if there is anything that he is not clear about?
It is always best to stick to answering a specific question rather than rambling on. It is also instructive sometimes to find a book that says it the way you feel comfortable about, and give it to him to read. He can then ask you to clarify anything if need be. Probably, what he would find most interesting is for you to tell him something about how women/girls see the subject according to your own experience. This models a willingness to be open yourself and to share information that he might find useful, so that he might feel able to share information with you that might be helpful for you to understand how it is for children growing up today.
How do you make your child listen? I have a 10 year old son who never listens to a thing I say. If I want him to pick up his clothes from the floor I need to ask him 10 times and then eventually scream at him before he'll actually do it. What can I do to make him listen?
Your issue is one that is shared by many, many parents. The answer lies in your description of what happens when you try to get him to do what he has to do.
First, the child does not listen to what we say. We find that one reason for this is that we talk too much and the child tunes us out. Any expectation should not be more than one sentence, preferably only a few words. A ONE-LINER as one parent called it. We must resist what I call the 'add-ons' (I am only asking you once, you never listen to a word I say, who do you think does all the work around here and so on, according to our own particular style of complaint). A simple 'bring me all the clothes on the floor' is an example of the one-liner without any add-ons.
When we scream the child hears, because now he/she knows we mean it. We can get a child to hear that we mean it by TAKING ACTION FROM THE START i.e. no more remote-control parenting. Initially it is much more our job to get the child to obey than it is the child's job to do so. Go up and stand there until he does it, if necessary repeating the one-liner in a matter-of-fact, firm tone of voice. TONE OF VOICE IS THE TRICK. When we whine, beg, demand, get exasperated, threaten, shout or hit, it might work eventually, but next time we have to go through it again and it gets increasingly harrowing. Sticking with it in the first place, without blaming or shaming, not only gets the job done but everyone feels better about themselves at the same time.
My four-year-old is very attention seeking. He talks to me all the time and demands my attention constantly. It's so bad my husband and I can no longer hold a conversation because he stands next to us and talks to us constantly. We fight all the time. What is going on?
Three things come to mind that may be going on. You will know if one or more fit with the issue with which you are faced:
Nowadays parents lead very busy, stressful lives that require rushing from one task to the next. Children cannot get their needs met in a rush, because they can't store them up or put them on hold until we have the time. We have to make time somewhere along the line that is task-free. Even bed-time is not completely task-free, although it is an important time for intimacy and being quietly together at the end of the day. Time elsewhere in the day seems to be required.
A good time is on return from work. Delay the dinner preparations and countless other tasks, make a cup of tea/coffee and just sit there with your feet up. Don't read, and don't use the phone. Don't offer a game and don't make suggestions as to how your child uses the time. Just be there. Parents tell me, to their surprise, children don't even cling or climb but often go off to play, content to know there is a still spot for that short time should they need it. It serves as a kind of shelter throughout the day. Try and make it half-an-hour, although even less will count.
In addition, many children seem not to have learnt how to wait. Perhaps so much is done on the hop, that we are forced to fob our children off by giving in to demands in whatever way saves time.
Learning to wait is a skill that is essential for development, because in the gap between the wish and the response is the potential for growth, and for finding the resources within. Simply saying 'you can listen only', holding up a warning finger, and not stopping until you are done teaches the child what is appropriate. Your own creativity will be given a challenge as you find a way to do this without giving in!
It is not clear whether you and your husband fight all the time because your son is attention seeking, or whether your son is attention seeking (in part) because you fight all the time? Sometimes children unconsciously try to fill the space so as to act as the glue to keep the parents together? It is helpful for them to know that they don't have to do it. It is our job to be in charge so children can leave decisions up to us. When we set clear limits and see them through, the child is freed to turn away from adult concerns and get on with playing and learning.
I have a 3 year old son. The father and I have different ways of disciplining him and would disagree infront of him. His father spoils him and would intervene if i discipline the son or say that he must eat his food or go and bath. Hes father would say infront of him that he doesnt have to eat or offer him chocolate. My son doesnt listen or respect me. My husband hits my son even though we agreed that he needs to go into the naughty corner. What can i do
Dear Soraya
Thank you for your question.
It can be very difficult when we try to raise our children in a certain way, and our spouses have a completely different way of interacting with the child. It can be very frustrating for us and we can often feel alone in this situation. We could feel even sadder when we can see that the way our spouse treats the child is not positive and does not contribute to building our child's self-esteem and character.
It is also normal for parents to differ and that it is okay sometimes. However, there must be some aspects on which you must try and agree like, no hitting, for example.
The most accurate predictor of how you will parent is how you were parented. We need to realise then that how our spouses were raised as children will affect how they will raise their own children. The same applies to you. This can be very painful. But it is the start of becoming conscious parents. It sounds like you are trying to be a conscious, more aware, parent. And that your spouse may not be there yet and is still repeating the way in which he was parented by his parents.
Your spouse may feel undermined and even grand-parents may experience your “different” parenting style as criticism of their ways and so question your need to do things differently.
When criticism comes it is easy to become defensive and to do and say things that are not helpful. Commonly we counter-attack, argue our point, feel put down and give in, or feel hurt.
I have included some of the ideas we deal with in our Positive Parenting Skills Training. I hope it helps you.
Effective ways of dealing with criticism without putting the critic down, include:
a) Try to understand the critic’s motive for the criticism.
b) Do not forget the importance of reflective listening (open responses) in order to indicate that you understand the critic’s underlying feelings. An open response opens the door to further communication and shows that you are interested and willing to listen to your spouse. You could say, for example, “I can see you think I may be too harsh with our child...”
c) While remaining friendly maintain your firmness about your effective new methods of child management. Use the assertive and respectful E.C.A (Empathy, Content and Action) model. The E.C.A model can be used when one needs to GIVE A TASK, MAKE REQUESTS, or when it is appropriate to say NO. For example, “I understand that you want to give him a hiding now, but we agreed that we will rather send him to the naughty chair, so please do not hit him and rather take him to the naughty chair”. Another example could be, “I understand that you feel it’s ok for him to have chocolate and not eat food but it is not healthy and can lead to poor eating habits”.
d) Use I-messages to let the person know how you feel. An I-message describes how you feel about the other person’s behaviour, without blaming them or using the word “YOU”. I-messages help the other person to see how their behaviour affects others, and so develop responsibility for their behaviour.
For example, “When he gets a hiding, I feel upset, because it was agreed that he would go to the naughty corner instead”. Another example, “I feel upset, when arguing takes place in front of him, because it affects him and makes him sad”.
Depending on the response you get from other person, you can choose the next best action. It may be to make another “I-message”, to do active listening, or to start discussing the problem in more detail.
Soraya, all the above skills are skills we learn in our training and can use with our children. But as you can see, we can also use it with our spouses and other adults as they are lifeskills, relationship skills. In essence, we need to role model to our spouses the skills we would like them to use with our children. Often talking, pleading with them, and reminding them will not work. Role-modelling is sometimes the only thing that works as our spouses can see the difference it makes.
If your spouse disagrees with your methods of parenting, it is wisest not to argue in front of the child. In this sort of situation one is far more likely to influence one’s spouse through example. If one needs to discuss conflicting methods of parenting it is best that this is not done when emotions are running high, in front of the children and ideally without fighting or giving in.
You could say, “It is not good for the child when we disagree in front of him...can we talk about this when he is asleep?
Parents often believe that they have to present a united front to the children. It is extremely rare that two parents find themselves agreeing in every way with one another’s style, beliefs and methods. There are many times when we have to agree to disagree but for the sake of order and predictability we have to reach some compromise which both parent’s under the circumstances, agree to abide by.
Children are keenly aware of different attitudes between their parents. You just have to observe how children, from a very early age, carefully choose to whom they make special request. Far from being divisive this can offer children a richer source of learning. It is important, however that each parent acknowledge and respects the other parent’s differences. It is also very important that each parent take responsibility only for their own relationship with their child and does not interfere with or undermine the other’s relationship with the child in any way.
In other words each parent needs to understand that their relationship with their child is special, different and separate from that of the other parent.
Lastly, Soraya, when parents consistently disagree about the raising of the kids, maybe they should look at their relationship. There may be some work that needs to be done on this level. If yu need to discuss this matter further and you live in Cape Town, please phone for a counselling session.
Jann Watlington
Jann
Do you help caregivers with support groups etc for special neds child?
Thank you for your question. We do not have any support groups fo caregivers with children with special needs. Our support groups are open to all and you will find support by joining one. There is a mother with a special needs child in our Woodlands group in Mitchell's Plain and she finds the support there very helpful. You do not specify what the child's condition is otherwise I could have referred you to the relevant organaisation that deals with your child's condition.
I do I deal with swearing with my 3 yr old.
It is firstly very important to know that your child is not swearing because he/she knows it is bad. The feedback he/she is getting may tell him that it is not a normal word but unfortunately, often the feedback from adults is laughter and not censorship … and laughter encourages the swearing, even if it is followed by a lecture on the inappropriateness of swearwords.
The second important consideration is that children learn through modelling. You need to make sure that your language is clean as well as the language of other adults / older children in your child’s life. If the swearing is being picked up at nursery school, you need to have a conversation with the school around their attitude and response to swearing.
Finally, you need to explain to your child that some words offend others and then brainstorm fun words your child can use if he / she is feeling frustrated or angry eg fiddlesticks, flip etc. Make sure that when you speak to your child about this that you go down to her level and make eye contact.
Helen Gosnell
My daughter is 12 years old, in Grade 6. She has made me aware of a girl in school that is bullying her, which first started with verbal fights and has now escalated to physical. Yesterday the girl punched and slapped her in the face. My daughter is not a fighting kind of girl, and she has made it evident that she is scared of this girl. What procedure should i follow?
In South Africa, all schools have a policy to deal with bullying.If you are in South Africa go the the Department of Educations' website. You'll find it there The first step would be to report the matter to the principal. Both the bully and the victim will then be referred to a psychologist or a social worker as both need help.As a parent, yp\ou can also help your daughter by listening to her, acknowledging her feelings and asking her first what she thinks she can do about the situation. Brainstsorm with her ways of dealing with the bullying.Children often do not want their parents to come to the school for fear of further victimisation or ridicule by other learners.I hope this helps.Good luck. Fouzia Ryklief
How do I help my daughter know that she has a father but he doesn't want to be with us. How do I explain that he left us when she was three weeks old and never made the effort to bond with her till now when she is 9 months old. I'm not sure how to deal with questions when she is older about why her mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. Please help!
You are clearly still very hurt and angry about your divorce but it is important to separate your feelings from what needs to be done to ensure your child’s emotional well-being. I am pleased to hear that the father is making an effort to bond with the baby now. It is important to focus on the efforts he is making and to make the experience a pleasant one for him and your daughter. You would like this bonding and contact to continue and be maintained in future. Your daughter is still young, enjoy the time that you have together and do not focus too much on the issues surrounding your relationship with her father. As your daughter grows older and starts asking questions about him you can share the information age appropriately. Children don’t need to know all the ‘messy’ details about the relationship but they deserve to hear the truth from you and not someone else. I would also like to suggest that you go for counseling or join a support group for divorcees. It is important that you also take care of your emotional life as a single parent. When you do talk to your daughter about your divorce you could say for example that, “Daddy and I don’t love each other anymore or Daddy and I could not get along anymore even though we tried to get along with each other.” It is important to make clear that it is not the child’s fault and that divorce is something that happens between a mother and father.
Recommended reading for an older child – Dinosaurs Divorce - A guide for changing families by
Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown.
Recommended reading for you: Adjusting the Boundaries by Anne Cawood.
hi -- Im involved and is staying with a divorsed lady with a 11 year old son in grade 5 . He is nagging his mom to get him a BB and Mixit .. im totally against it but he is really pushing hard , and im afraid that mom will give in . He is probally going to re do his grade because he is NOT working hard . He watches a lot of tv , and although i have been the hard one disciplining him i have had enough now . Im totally backing away now and let him do what ever he wants . Please advise .
callie .
Your interest in and concern about this young boy is commendable and very appropriate even though you are not his biological father. However, I understand your frustration and decision to withdraw from the situation. If you have a reasonably good relationship with the boy and if he responded positively to your efforts at discipline in the past, then there there is no reason why you cannot be involved in this. Perhaps it may be a good idea to talk this through with his mother first, helping her to be sure about why he should not have these items; that is if this what she feels.You also need to be sure about your reasons why his request should not be granted.You also mention his poor performance at school.This needs attention as well. If you are in Cape Town you and his mother could come for counselling at the Parent Centre. Our counsellors are qualified and very experienced. All you have to do is phone and speak to the receptionist who will book you. Please discuss this option with the mother and obtain her agreement to this option. Go well.
Good Morning, My daughter is 6 and she has never been a great eater. I am worried because it feels like every meal is an issue and becomes unpleasant, i'm not sure how to make sure she eats enough without constantly making an issue out of it. I'm concerned for future implications.
All children do not have the same kind of appetites. Some eat more than others. Some eat things that others would not dare eat. Some children eat faster than others too. It’s difficult for parents to observe this especially when you child eats much less than others and won’t eat the foods other children love.
But one thing we need to realise as parents is that children do not have the same sized appetites as adults, and what we may expect our child to eat may be far too much for a little child. We also forget that we as adults also do not like certain foods and have our own tastes and preferences.
If we force our child to eat, fuss over them at eating time, and make a big deal when they do not eat, we are heading for trouble. A power struggle will develop between the parent and the child and it will be difficult to break this.
So here are a few tips:
• Make sure your child is healthy. Give him/her a multi-vitamin and an immune booster. Omega 3 tablets are also a good idea.
• Try to find out what your child likes to eat and serve it to him/her.
• Always serve small portions.
• Introduce the foods she does not like slowly and in very small portions.
• Try to encourage your child to eat the new foods. But don’t force her if she really is refusing to eat it.
• Sometimes you have to let go even if she has not finished their whole meal. Don’t make a battle out of it.
• Praise her when she managed to eat their food.
• Try to limit luxuries. Say that your child can only have a luxury after she eats his/her meal.
• Encourage your child to drink water.
• Be flexible. Some children are not breakfast eaters, for example. Encourage them to eat toast, or a small yogurt, or a banana, or a smoothie, etc, for breakfast instead.
• Try to make meal times relaxing, a time to talk about each others’ day, and not too focus too much on whether the child is eating or not.
• Observe your daughter to see if she is easily distracted as this could be one of the reasons why it is difficult for her to sit and eat a whole meal. Remove all distractions such as toys, etc. Rather involve the child in conversations throughout the mealtime. Try to encourage your child to focus on eating and to enjoy food and mealtimes.
• Sometimes playing is more important to a child than food and eating. Try to encourage your daughter to make time to eat. Set the table and eat with your child. Make eating times pleasurable but not too long for her to sit through. Allow her to be excused from the table when she is finished eating even if she hasn’t finished her meal.
• Don’t eat in front of the television as the child may become distracted and not focus on her food.
• Try to see what your child has eaten over a period of time, and don’t focus only on the meal in front of her. You will be easily discouraged and frustrated if you just look at what she ate or did not eat at one particular mealtime.
• Don’t compare your child’s eating to how other children are eating. If your child is healthy she is fine!
• Relax and enjoy your meals with your child!
JANN WATLINGTON
SOCIAL WORKER / PARENT EDUCATION FACILITATOR
11/08/11
Good day,
My daughter is 14 months and i have chnaged nannies and she is not used to the new nanny. She has been with my previous nanny for 7 months and its been over a week with the new nanny. When i used to leave home before to go to work she never used to cry and with teh new nany she cries every morning and in the evening when i arrive she does not want me to leave her alone and with the old nanny she would play with her in the evening giving me time to cook.
When i am home she never wants to go to the nanny. What can i do during the day she is fine with the nanny. Could it be that she needs to get used?
It‘s not easy leaving a crying child in the morning and it must be very unsettling for you and her. It is still early days and she would probably need a few more weeks to settle with her new nanny. I think you must also remember that she was much younger when she had the previous nanny and built a strong bond with her. Your daughter could also be missing her previous nanny and feeling unsure about what is happening now. Patience, lots of reassurance and acknowledging her feelings is very important. You could say, “I know you feel sad when I leave, or, I missed you today and I can see that you missed me too.” Perhaps some practical things are needed to make the transition easier.
Pre- cooking meals for a while, so that you can give her the attention she needs in the evening. You could spend some extra time at breakfast with your child and the nanny to make the mornings easier for example. Children miss us during the day and need some time to reconnect with us. Thirty minutes may be all she needs with you to “refuel her emotional tank”. Give her hugs and cuddles, read to her or do whatever she likes. You could also have her close to you while you are doing your chores. If you are cooking have some plastic bowls or cooking utensils for her as well – you could cook together! I am also wondering if you had a phasing in period for the new nanny. This is important to help your child manage the change or transition. If you did not have a phasing in time, you may need to think of spending some extra time with your daughter and the nanny and over a few days decrease the time you spend with them. This will also make your daughter feel more secure and have the assurance that you will come back to her and not just leave her with a ‘stranger’. It will also give you the opportunity to observe the interaction between your child and the nanny.
Sharon Paulus
Good Morning, I am aware that my 7 year old daughter and her friends are teasing each other about boys and having boyfriends. All which I know is normal. What is concerning me is the increased talking that I have overheard about taking their panties off and showing the boys, and boys and girls kissing each other on their private parts. How do I handle this?
Good Morning, I am aware that my 7 year old daughter and her friends are teasing each other about boys and having boyfriends. All which I know is normal. What is concerning me is the increased talking that I have overheard about taking their panties off and showing the boys, and boys and girls kissing each other on their private parts. How do I handle this?
It is good that you realise that a certain amount of relationship talk is normal. It is also normal for children of this age to have a natural curiosity about each other’s bodies. Certainly the “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game has been played by children of this age for a very long time. It is also good that you are uncomfortable about the “kissing of genitals” because this is not only unacceptable but also not commonly associated with the normal “sex games” played by young children (such as “doctor, doctor” and “you show me yours,”etc.) It may point to the possibility that some of the children involved have been exposed to oral sex- maybe in pictures, the internet or actual adults involved in this activity.
The best way for you to deal with this is to acknowledge that there is a curiosity and to channel their attention to a good source of information such as a book showing the anatomy of both boys and girls. We also want to educate our children about their bodies, how to be safe, that our bodies are private, etc.
That way, your daughter and her friends can have their curiosity satisfied in an acceptable manner. A good example of such a book is by Robie Harris – Let’s Talk.
Along with this, you can also talk about good touches and bad touches, (We are always cautious about recommending this because children are sexual beings and “bad touches” can feel good to them- one actually needs to be very specific about places where they should not be touched by others, even if it feels good) when it is appropriate to have boyfriends and how to behave with a boyfriend. It should certainly be emphasised that having boyfriends is something that should wait until they are older and for now, boys should be seen as playmates and not as boyfriends. It is possible that one of the girls in the group has either seen oral sex or heard it talked about and is talking it through to process it. If you have not yet started talking to your daughter about sexuality, now is the time to start.
If you do catch children playing these games, react very calmly, direct children to get dressed and then talk about curiosity and satisfy this curiosity by referring to books.
Do try and find out where the child heard about ‘kissing private parts’ so that other parents can be made aware of it (school/crèche) and so that it can be addressed. Other parents need to know about this and the school could arrange a talk on the topic for parents and educators.
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