Questions & Answers

Questions & Answers

Readers are invited to send in their parenting questions, by fax, email or snail mail, and a senior counsellor will respond. .

Q: Talking about sex to your teens: sometimes the most difficult part of any important discussion is deciding how to bring it up. Do you have a few ideas on how to tackle this issue please?

A: For many parents talking about sex induces feelings of panic, fear of giving too much information, embarrassment and nervousness Starting as early as possible may help ensure that your child gets his/her sex education from you, the parent, and not from the playground or the television. You are able to pass on accurate information and your values about sex.

Start early.
Ideally parents should start taking about sex and sexuality as early as possible. These discussions should be ongoing and be led by the child’s questions

Answers to questions should be appropriate to the child’s age and level of understanding.

For example if your child asks, “Where do I come from?”

A 3 year old needs to know that babies grow inside their mommy’s tummy until they are big enough to be born.

A 4-6 year old needs to know about a seed from daddy joining with an egg from mommy to make you.

A 6-8 year old can hear about sperm inside the scrotum mixing with semen which carries the sperm to mommy’s egg. The sperm and the egg find each other by daddy’s penis carrying the semen to mommy’s womb and one of the sperm joining up with an egg to start a new baby.

Only by 8years old are they ready to hear the whole story including the mechanics of sex. (This is only a rough guide and an example as children are all different).

What if you did not start early?

If a parent has not managed to talk to their child before they became a teen it would be important to be accurate about the information you are sharing as you want your teen to be informed so that they can make better informed decisions. Be honest about your own feelings about talking about sex if it is difficult for you to do

Get some literature on sex and put it in a place where your teen can read it at leisure and then you can talk about what they have read.

Use every day opportunities to discuss sex, for example, like when someone you know is having a baby, news articles, check when the school will be covering the topic in life orientation lessons and use this as an opportunity to approach the subject and find out how they feel about it.

Tell your teen about your own values about sex and tell them why you believe this.

Research has found that adolescents want their parents to talk to them not only about sex but also about relationships and life in general. Once you’ve had this discussion it does not mean it must stop there but should be an ongoing discussion about topics like abstinence, pregnancy, ways of sharing affection without having sex or being sexual, the emotional consequences of having sex, HIV/Aids and STD’s, being safe in terms of sexual harassment, internet and cell phone sexual predators and contraception.

Parents should create an environment where the teen feels accepted and listened to, and not judged and disrespected, so that it would make it easy for the teen to talk about their concerns.

By Sharon Paulus, Social Worker at the Parent Centre.

Q: How do I teach my children the right values about money, and how do I teach them to be social responsible?

A: 1. Distinguish between needs and wants. Even if you can afford it don’t buy them every time they ask for something they “want” but do not need. Giving children things they want effortlessly gives them the impression that there is an endless supply of money. It also emphasizes materialism.

There are special occasions for gifts – birthdays, Christmas, etc. when the child can get what he wants within reason. It is helpful to say “This is how much we can spend on……..” Parents can help children avoid developing a sense of entitlement when they do not give in to children’s demands.

Explain why – when parents explain that the money they earn is enough to cover basic needs, rent/bond payments, and some saving for a rainy day, a car, holiday or an expensive household appliance that is needed, they learn that there isn’t an endless supply of money that financial planning is important and that saving for a holiday, or something one wants and/or needs (new stove, etc) is an important value children must learn. It also teaches them to avoid debt.

Involve the child in exploring ways of raising money when she wants an item the parents cannot afford. – e.g. child contributing by saving part of pocket money, doing small odd jobs around the house (over and above the agreed upon chores for which they do not get paid but is their contribution towards the smooth running of the home); for neighbour or relatives if child is old enough. Parents must give them the opportunity to want something badly enough to go after it themselves. – Children learn that one has to work for something one wants and they learn to manage money.

Teach money management by giving children pocket money.

Start early. Children between 6 and 7 years understand basic arithmetic, understand what money is, so should be able to manage a small amount, with your help of course. Start by helping them make a list of things they will use the money for. This opens communication about money, about saving,etc and it is an opportunity to share your values.

Encourage saving. Create an incentive, eg. A child wants an item that pocket money will not cover; say to child that for every rand she saves, you will match with a rand. Besides teaching a child to save, this also teaches child to delay gratification.

Developing social responsibility. All of the above help to develop a child’s character. Avoid lecturing and don’t induce guilt by saying” you should be grateful Children learn values when they experience them. Therefore parents need to make the effort to live the values they want their children to learn. –e.g. appreciate the value of one’s possessions; the effort that went into saving to acquire these and to look after one’s possessions; respect, non-violence, honesty, compassion

Expose children to compassionate gestures people do for others or tell them about it. If you are not involved in any yourself, think about getting involved- no matter how small. Even the few coins you throw into a collection tin at the mall will help teach social responsibility. When you do this explain what it is for. Children are not exposed to much of this. Instead, they are exposed to so many real images of hate, cruelty, violence on TV and in the print media.

Q: I have an 8 year old son who is very intelligent. His reading levels are on 3, his numeracy is on 3 at the moment as well. My question though is that his life skills are lagging he is currently on 2.

By life skills I mean, organisational, working neatly etc. Working independantly is on 3, making friends is on 4, etc. How do I help or assist him with this. He has been seeing an occupational therapist at school but it is really not helping much as I am not seeing a change as yet. He loves going to the Occupational Therapist as he loves playing the games and sitting on the ball etc... What can I do with handwriting skills etc.

The other concern is that his listening skills is on 4 but at home I have to talk 10 times before he does something and I have to constantly repeat myself, also he still wants me to bathe him, dress him etc but when he is away from me for e.g. at aftercare he does all of this himself. Is there a problem or should I continue to assist him.

Looking forward to your response.

A: From the scale you sent me, 2 is not lagging at all. Fair seems to me an average level that is expected of the age group. It is asking a lot that he should be very good and excellent at everything he does. Every child has strengths and relative weaknesses. It is not unusual for boys to struggle more with both organizational skills and neatness of work both in presentation and handwriting. Your son appears to being doing well with the important parts of life skills – like working independently, listening well and more than coping socially. I would not be too concerned with his handwriting skills at this point.

However, there are some things you can help him with. Since he already does go to an OT, ask her to provide you with a home programme. If you do this a number of times a week, the work she is doing in therapy will be reinforced at home and can only benefit him. You don’t mention how long he has been going to OT. If you are concerned about his progress, request a meeting with the OT therapist to discuss his progress and what she is working towards. You are paying for the service and you should be completely in the picture as far as his progress goes. However, bear in mind that OT is not something where one sees the effects immediately. It is a process which requires relearning muscle behaviour and this does take time.

During homework, you can also help out with the neatness and organizational aspects. Firstly set up a work station for him so that he knows where all his stationary belongs so that he can find it and replace it easily. Also, help out with the spatial orientation of his work. In other words, help him to lay out his work neatly form top to bottom and from left to right. Show him how to judge whether something will fit in the space or whether he needs to start a new line. However, don’t hover and pick up on every mistake he makes. This could quickly lead to a situation where he would prefer not to try because he knows he can’t do it neatly enough for you. Suggest and guide rather than insist. His teacher at school will also be working on this aspect of work as part of the grade 2 syllabus.

You mention a concern that his listening skills at school are excellent whereas you have to constantly repeat things at home. This made me smile since I have the same situation with my 7 year old. Schools are testing his ability to concentrate on a story or on what the teacher is teaching. It is wonderful that he has the ability to listen in these situations since that will serve him well throughout life. The listening you refer to at home refers to a different skill. It may help for you to call his attention before asking him to do something. By calling his name first and then wait for him to look up from what he is doing, and then continue with your request. He is only responding after multiple requests for a number of reasons. He may not be hearing you if he is totally absorbed in what he is doing, he may have learnt that you will repeat your request multiple times and therefore he does not need to respond immediately or he may be a child who is slow to respond temperamentally. He may need time to finish what he is busy with before moving on to the new task. You need to assess why he is not responding and make adjustments to how you deal with this problem. It is also important for you to have his hearing tested to confirm that there is not a physical problem to why he is not responding to your requests.

Your final issue over your concern about his need for you to help him to get dressed and your feeding him. He is definitely too old for you to be helping him in this way. Since he is doing it at aftercare, there is no problem with his ability. You need to draw the boundary over how much help you give him. He is possibly insisting that you help him as a way for him to get your undivided attention. If you suspect that this may be the case, make a concerted effort to make special one on one time with him when your only focus is him and what he wants to do. If he feels that he is getting enough attention in other ways, he may not feel the need to tie you to him when he is getting dressed and eating.

Helen Gosnell, facilitator at the The Parent Centre

Q: My husband filed for divorce after 10 years of marriage. We have two children, aged 8 and 5. Can you please give me advice on how to deal with separation or divorce - I'm hurt, but want to keep the children's lives as normal as possible.

A: A common concern of parents who have made the decision to separate or divorce is,“How do we help our children cope through this painful, difficult time and the inevitable changes that it brings, with the least amount of emotional trauma?”

One of the most important tasks for parents is to help their children understand that the divorce is not their fault, that their parents still love them and that there are ways to express their feelings about the divorce.

This means trying to see the world through your children’s eyes, to understand what they may be feeling and thinking. Communicating consistently and creatively with your child is vital in this regard. This is particularly important as your children may express their sense of alienation, loss and grief differently. The child who appears to be “handling it so well” may be more affected by the divorce than another who cries because he is missing his father and acts out in unacceptable behaviour, such as throwing tantrums.

Children often express their true feelings through activities such as playing, drawing, writing and baking, for example, lacking the emotional maturity to express themselves through words. These activities provide ideal opportunities for parents to recognise and understand their children’s hidden feelings and to help them to learn to experience and express their feelings in a healthy way.

We would like to share a few ideas from Gary Neuman in “Helping your kids cope with divorce the Sandcastles way” that we have found to helpful.

Parents of five-to eight-year-olds can help their children by:

• Making sure that they have frequent and regular contact with the ex- spouse
• Never criticising the ex-spouse around the children
• Maintaining a calm, positive attitude in their children’s presence
• Establishing and sticking to a normal daily routine
• Maintaining consistency, particularly in setting boundaries and disciplining them and refraining from making excuses for unacceptable behaviour
• Encouraging them to talk about their feelings
• Being aware of their children’s behaviour around other caregivers/at school etc.
• Being aware that their children may feel very possessive of them and feel very threatened by new people appearing in their parents’ lives

Through modelling behaviour, teaching coping and communication skills and sheltering with love and support, parents can help their children to navigate this sad time in their lives in such a way that they are enabled to grow up emotionally healthy.

Children can and do live happily after divorce.

(Information sourced from: Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman 1998 Random House. New York)

Written by Judy Brice – Social Worker and Counselor at The Parent Centre

I’m never sure – how do I know when to punish my children and when should I rather give them a hug?

A: As a parent we cannot always be sure what to do with our children, and we don’t always have the answers. When our children misbehave we are often unsure whether we should be firm and discipline them or whether they really need our attention, love and concern. There are however guidelines that are helpful. We have found that the most effective style of parenting is loving yet firm.

We would like to share a few ideas from Steve Biddulph’s book “More Secrets to Happy Children” as it clarifies some of the parenting issues related to the above question.

Parents need to have two key abilities, softlove and firmlove.

Softlove is the ability to be relaxed, warm and affectionate. It is the ability to stop your brain from racing around, to trust your instincts, and to fend off the many pressures put on you from the outside so that you can be there for your child. Not everyone was raised with softlove, and so sometimes we feel more tense or uneasy when we are around children.

Firmlove is the ability to be kind but firm with children – to make clear rules and back them up, without getting angry, without being weak and giving in. Many people are confused about love because they think it is always warm and fuzzy. For instance, a father lends money to his teenage daughter who ‘forgets’ to pay him back. That isn’t love. Firmlove means saying, “Of course I love you. And you owe me R50. So no more loans till you pay me back!”

Firmlove is strength with loving intention, as opposed to being cold and hard. “Good enough” parents are firm with their children often, because they love them. For example, “I can understand that you are angry with your brother, but tell him with words not with fists”, or “I can accept you had a frustrating day at school, but I am not prepared to have you shouting at me.”

No one gets it right every time. Giving softlove and firmlove to your children is always a matter of finding your way, finding the balance as you go along. A parent who is kind and firm says things like – “I can understand that you want to go and play outside, but you are not going out in the rain and cold. Here, let’s find something interesting to do in the kitchen.” This parent is aware of the child’s need for activity but he/she is clear in their decision – “You have to stay indoors when it’s wet.”

“Good enough” parents are willing to be tough with their kids because they know this will help them have a happier life.

(Biddulph, S. 1996, More Secrets of Happy Children. HarperCollins Pty Limited. Australia)

Written by Jann Watlington – Social Worker and Parent Education Facilitator at The Parent Centre

Q: Our son turned 14 recently and has become a real rebel. He criticizes everything we do and doesn’t keep to the house rules anymore, like being at home at six for dinner. Talking doesn’t help- how should we punish him and please, how do parents survive the teenage years?

A: It is easy to be totally thrown by a sudden change in your child’s behaviour. Raising teenagers requires a shift in our thinking and our approach to problem areas. It also requires a commitment from us to model the behaviour and values we want our children to adopt.

The first step in coping with this is to stand back a bit and gain a perspective. What is happening with your son is normal for the stage he is in. There are numerous developmental issues that everyone faces during the adolescent years. The normal feelings and behaviors include a movement towards independence, struggling with a sense of identity, identification with peers, less affection shown to parents, with occasional rudeness. This is besides the physical changes that take place. Children this age are mostly interested in the present with limited thoughts of future . They also test limits as a way to show their independence and your son is clearly doing this. He is also separating from you. This is a necessary development towards maturity and independence. This effort at separating from you often takes the form of rudeness or criticism. So don’t take this personally.

The next step is to think back to when you were his age and ask yourself what you needed from your parents. Acceptance, having your feelings accepted, more flexibility with regard to rules and more freedom would be some of the things you may have wanted. He needs freedom, yes, but not to do exactly as he wants. Freedom within limits and independence within limits need to be negotiated with him because having some control over his life and being given choices are important if he is to develop into an independent thinking young man.

The 3rd step would, therefore, be to revisit the rules and decide which need to change and how much independence he can be given. He may be saying to you that “I am growing up now and I should be allowed to come home a bit later” and “ I want to have some say and control over my life”. Making choices and deciding how we want to spend our time is all about wanting to be in charge of our lives. He needs to be involved in discussing appropriate rules for his age and consequences for breaking the rules. Here is a process you can follow:

Acknowledge his need.
“We understand that you find it difficult to be home at six when you are out having fun with your friends”

State your need or concern calmly.
“But we also need to know that you’re safe” or “ We need you to be home by six because your help is needed with….”

Invite him to find a solution that will be acceptable to all.
“Can we discuss this and come to an agreement about a time that all of us will be happy with.”

Also involve him in deciding what the consequence will be if he breaks the agreement.
He will be more likely to co-operate if he had a role in decision-making.

Finally, keep communication lines open and schedule time to spend with him(in an activity he likes. This will help to keep the relationship intact. This is what will help you to survive the teenage years. You can only influence your child positively within the framework of a positive, close relationship. So harsh punishment is out if you want to stay connected with your son.

Q: I’m really worried about the bad influence of drug users and dealers in our community. How can I protect my children ( 14, 11 and 10)? They’ve told me that some of their class mates use tik.

A: When children bring up the subject in the way that your children have, it presents you with an opportunity to:

1. Truly listen to them, by encouraging them to talk about

1. how they feel about taking drugs;
2. what they would do if someone introduces drug s taking to them
3. how they could assert themselves and say no! You could role-play/ play a game-“ what if one of your friend offers you drugs what would you say?” -help them to formulate what it is that they could say or do without being branded as a spoil sport.

2. Express, strongly, your values, views and knowledge about drugs. This means, of course, that you must inform yourself – there is lots of information available on the internet, the local Drug counselling centre or SANCA (S A Council for Alcohol and Drug Addiction). You will also get information for the signs and symptoms of using. There needs to be a family position on the use of any drug. It is important that parents talk about this openly and express the family position. E.g.” In this family we do not use drugs, drink alcohol, or smoke cigarettes because they are bad for our bodies, etc.

Prevention

1. Maintain open relationships with children- listening to them and acknowledge their feelings and opinions, without judging what they say – this will make it safe for them to talk to you about what bothers them.

2. Build self-esteem by: focusing on what they do right, the positives and give more positive feedback than criticism to them.

3. Encourage independence in making choices by giving them opportunities to become confident decision-makers. This means that you must let them decide for themselves from very early on, on a variety of things at first . Show respect for the small decisions they make – this will build their confidence.

4. Be a good example. When children see us reaching for a drink, even coffee, or a pill because we feel stressed, we give them the message that in order for us to feel better we must “take something”. Think of healthy alternatives when you are stressed. Our values and beliefs must be reflected in our behaviour.

5. Create opportunities for children to find natural “highs” – opportunities where they can do well and feel good about it.

6. Get to know their friends – make it easy for your children to bring friends home on a regular basis- make your home child friendly so that your children don’t feel the need to find fun elsewhere.

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