The Parent Centre

Newsletter - Parenting Pages 3rd Term 2008

Dear Members,

It’s hard to believe that the third quarter of the year is already upon us and that the end of the year is around the corner. Some of us (me in particular) are still trying to figure out how we are going to implement New Year resolutions we made at the beginning of the year and the list of “THINGS I HAVE TO DO” is getting longer. If some of those things on the list were not done and nobody asked about them then they are not important, so I’ll take them off the list. For now I’ll make a shorter list of things that really are important. One of those things is to explore the question below:

Should we be open on a Saturday morning?

There have been requests for the library to be open and for workshops to be run on a Saturday morning.

Another one is:
Can we revive the Mother and Toddler Group and where could the venue be?

We would consider both if there is a need. Please contact Safura at Reception if you want this.

Food and eating is a parenting issue - so says Dina R Rose, an American sociologist who spoke at one of our staff meetings and at our Mom & Baby Group at the Kingsbury. As I listened to her I realised how many habits I have - habits I learnt from my mother! I was so unaware that practices I wanted to force on my children were actually habits that I learnt. Another valuable realisation that came to me as I listened to her is that underlying all these habits were certain values, some of which were good, some not.

On 20th August we shall be celebrating our 25th anniversary. Yes, The Parent Centre has been in existence for 25 years. We shall be celebrating this milestone at our Annual General Meeting which will be held at the Baxter Theatre. Please diarise this very important event. We really want to see our friends and members there.

Yours in parenting
Fouzia Ryklief, Editor

FOOD AND EATING AS A PARENTING ISSUE – by Dina R Rose.

Did you know that even though parents are inundated with information about nutrition, most of us teach our children bad eating habits? How else can we account for the fact that bad eating habits start so early in life? Did you know that in America 1/3 of all 19-month-old toddlers eat no fruit on any given day but 90% of them consume some type of dessert, candy or sugary drink? And even though 80% of these youngsters eat vegetables, chips are the ones they’re most likely to have?

Think we’re better off here? Well, the news is pretty grim. In South Africa’s primary schools 22% of girls and 17% of boys are overweight or obese. Furthermore, 40% of children get little or no moderate exercise each week.

In response to findings like these, experts repeatedly assert the importance of good nutrition. It’s as if everyone thinks that parents only need to know more about which foods to provide — ½ cup of cottage cheese, or a serving of broccoli — and presto, our kids all will be healthy eaters. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, never have we known so much about nutrition and yet eaten so poorly. That’s because:

Eating right isn’t really about food, it’s about behaviour: what, where, why, when and how much someone chooses to eat. Nutritional considerations only partially influence these choices.

Children need to be taught how to eat right, just as they need to be taught good hygiene and manners. The younger they start learning how to do this the better off they will be — 60% of all 2-3 year olds already have diets considered “in need of improvement” and it only goes downhill from there.

Mastering three principles— proportion, variety and moderation — is the key to teaching children healthy eating habits. It is also the only way for parents to combat the impact of the food industry, and an avalanche of other social factors, on the way our kids eat.

Focusing on nutrition often leads parents astray. For instance, it encourages parents to give their children items such as chocolate milk because they are considered healthy — even schools do it — but this practice teaches kids an appreciation for chocolate, not for milk. Indeed, each chocolate milk makes regular milk a harder sell. The same is true for sweetened, whole grain cereals, flavoured yogurts (which typically derive as much as 50% of their calories from added sugars) and juice — all “healthy” foods that teach our kids to like, even crave, sugar. When you consider how regularly consuming sweet tasting foods impacts habits, is it any wonder that so many kids are overweight, obesity rates have soared and the number of people with diabetes is rising rapidly?

So what’s the alternative?
First, think of food and eating as a parenting issue, because that is what it is. In fact, teaching your children to eat right isn’t that different than teaching them to sleep through the night: both involve shaping your child’s behaviour.

Second, use what you already know about nutrition to shape your children’s eating habits. Instead of focusing on food, put your attention towards making sure your children practice three principles — proportion, variety and moderation. Why? Because these principles translate the science of nutrition into a style of eating that is healthy. In other words, they produce healthy habits.

Proportion, variety and moderation are so important that they form the basis of every eating plan out there. Here’s why:

• Proportion is how you make sure your children have a balanced diet.
• Variety ensures they get the full range of nutrients they need.
• Moderation guarantees your children only eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full.

The secret of this strategy is these three principles focus your attention on the structure of how your children eat instead of on the details of what they eat. It is kind of like seeing the entire forest, instead of focusing on the individual trees. It’s not that nutrition isn’t important, but worrying about whether your child is getting enough omega 3s, or is eating a low GI diet is kind of like worrying about the quality of your car stereo before you even have a car!

What matters most is how often your children eat the really, really, healthy stuff — fresh fruit and veggies, quality proteins, whole grains — in relation to the marginally nutritious food — all those processed, packaged items — in relation to the junk. Do they get a variety of vegetables or will they simply eat peas? And finally, do they eat only when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full? (Or do they also eat when they’re bored, sad, or angling to get dessert?)

Third, don’t underestimate your children. Do you think your young children are too immature to learn to do these things? Well, they’re not. Teaching children habits is such a fundamental part of parenting that it is remarkable that eating is the one area where parents of young children almost never think about them. The truth is, though, our children are establishing eating habits with each bite they take — whether we want them to or not. When they insist on eating only peanut butter and jelly, hot dogs or pasta? That’s a habit. When they skimp on meals but then demand snacks? That’s a habit. When they refuse to eat vegetables, sit at the table or try new foods? Those are all habits.

Studies show that even though infants automatically adjust their food intake in response to frequent feedings, by the age of 5, most children don’t. They just eat more. That’s a habit too.

Every time we feed our children we reinforce their ideas about what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat, the only question that remains is this: what are we going to teach them? Focus on their habits and they’ll also know how to:

• Eat a wide variety of food including plenty of fruits and vegetables
• Identify when they’re hungry and when they’re full
• Drink plenty of water
• Eat foods in proportion to their healthful benefits
• Happily eat just one sweet
• Confidently try new foods
• Appreciate a variety of tastes and textures
• Limit their intake of sugar
• Avoid overeating
• Willingly forgo treats, occasionally, even when friends are “indulging”
• Sooth their feelings without relying upon food

And here is the real payoff… they would do these things on their own!

(Dina R. Rose, PhD, is an American sociologist who specialises in children and food. She has continued her research while in South Africa with her family for a sabbatical year.)

BOOK REVIEW

PLAYING BY HEART - The vision and practice of belonging

by O.FRED DONALDSON, PH.D

It was suggested to me that I contact Linda Copley in Cape Town to come and chat to the Moms at the Parent Centre Moms and Babies support group on ‘ORIGINAL PLAY’.
Linda has given us 2 wonderful mornings at the group:
She studied with Fred in USA and he has also been to South Africa and apart from discussing Original Play in depth, he incorporates his experiences in Shelters and Homes in Cape Town and Johannesburg into the book which is in the Parent Centre Library.

I thoroughly enjoyed the book and I have tried to give a summary. I have included many excerpts from the book as I felt they would best do justice to the book-------

PLAY AS IF LIFE DEPENDS ON IT – it does!

Through this book, Fred endeavours to ‘help adults unlearn so that they can be empty enough to absorb what a child is sharing with them……’
In place of all the doing …I’m suggesting being………
Get down. Let go. Pay attention. Be in touch. You’ll learn more than you can imagine. All playmates have two very special gifts to share – you are lovable and there’s nothing to be afraid of.
The most powerful message of this book - Play’s love and fearlessness is available to everyone. Original play is based not on fear, but on a trust relationship with life…you feel loved, respected and eager to explore (whereas in cultural play, we learn the particular values of our culture, like to compete, judge and retaliate.)

To step into the magic circle of play is to step beyond culture and all of its categories.

Our skin is the body’s largest sensory organ…. ‘skin hunger does not decrease with age’…nothing but truly meaningful and caring touch meets this need…
Touch is the healing power for those who have been abused by touch.

Life’s playgrounds are available anywhere on earth, a place and time of refuge from turmoil, strife and predatory beings. Places that evoke interior resonances based on real experience are SANCTUARIES.
These cosy playgrounds are easy to recognise... attics, lofts, ponds, trees, fields, streams…a chair comforted by a teddy bear, a quilt and a dream. When I first began playing with young children, I had no idea what I was doing. I just laid down on the ground, watched and listened…through play we have access to kindness…as playmates we experience an unconditional state, in which all winning and losing is impossible, for we have nothing to prove, hide or lose…...playing in this way, we come to know the wonder of all things…as a playground is a ‘trust area’. There is only one way to share play - heart to heart………...the playmate’s practice is to ‘get back in touch’ with ourselves, each other and our world……. Play’s touch is an awesome little thing to share.

To truly understand our children, we must be willing to play with them, to ‘get down’ on the floor and the ground. It is not enough to read, theorise, observe and analyse play; you must be a playmate.

Fred urges anyone working with children, to give of themselves and ‘play’ in this way, (not spending vast amounts on toys) and interacting and connecting in this special, precious and meaningful way.

Margie Davison
Social Worker
If anyone wishes to contact Linda - her phone numbers are 021 7891558 or 083 5812396
email - play@lando.co.za

Parentzone

Readers are invited to send in their parenting questions, by fax, e-mail or snail mail, and a counsellor will respond.

QUESTION ONE
My child is a good all-rounder – how do I decide what to prioritise?

ANSWER

Perhaps you should ask yourself “how do I help my child prioritise?” You raise the issue with your child, asking him or her if he/she has thought about it. Asking something like: ”Which of your interests do you want to develop more?”

Of course schoolwork is a natural first choice. Even in this area there could be priority questions as well. A great deal depends on the child’s age and if the child needs to make subject choices.

As parents we need to guard against intruding or imposing. However, while we must allow ourselves to be led by the child, there needs to be a balance. We have a strong role to play in facilitating children’s development but need to think about how we do that without taking over. Responsible decision making must be developed from an early age. But we guide by giving children information, making them aware of different options and the available tools and resources that may be needed to develop a particular skill or talent. We can be supportive and we can strongly encourage their interests (as opposed to imposing our wishes) and help them prioritise - this is a life-skill all children must learn.

QUESTION TWO
How do you balance schoolwork and sport? And if your child is not sporty, what do you, as a parent, do?

ANSWER

Yes, sport is a healthy way for children to channel their energy, achieve natural “highs.” Already children spend a great deal of time in the classroom and then at home, doing homework, studying for a test, doing a project, etc. So sport or some other extra-curricula activity is needed for a balanced life. So perhaps, more time for school work is not your concern?

Children’s free time must not be too structured – they should also just simply play – lots of creativity can come from this.

If your child is not sporty - try to accept this. Sometimes children resist most that which we feel strongly about and we often pressurise children into doing what we think they should be doing; or we compare them to others. When we do this, children interpret it to mean that we do not accept them for who they are. So if you are trying to get your child to do sport, back off this issue. Instead ask the child what he/she enjoys most and think about how you can support him/her in what he/she chooses.