The Parent Centre

Newsletter - Parenting Pages First Term 2010

Dear Members,

With the holidays behind us, we face 2010 with hope for improvements in the lives of all people and excitement at little ones going to school for the first time.

The first day of school is exciting because it is another important - perhaps the most important milestone in your child’s life. It is also stressful because it involves separation. If you have prepared yourself and the child, the process may be easier.

So you get through that and then comes the end of the day and you can’t wait to hear how the day has been for your child. Similarly, the child can’t wait to tell you

what happened. However, often we respond in ways that are conversation killers.

Below are some tips to get your child talking.

Compliments of the season and have a good year.

Fouzia Ryklief
Editor

Tips on talking to your children about school-
For Ages 4 - 8
(Source: The American School Counselor Association)

The scene You: "How was your day?"
Your child: "Good."
You: "What'd you do?"
Your child: "Nothing."

Sound familiar?

Some ways to get more than one word answers from your children:

Ask specific question such as:

"What did you do on the playground today?"

"Who did you play with?"

"Tell me the best part of the story the teacher read today."

Start a "names I know" list
Have your child start a list at the beginning of the school year called "Names I Know" or "My Class." Keep it on the refrigerator. Ask specific questions about the kids on the list. Little kids can have trouble keeping track of names, and your child might want to talk to you about someone whose name he can't remember. Keeping an ongoing list serves as a memory jogger for your child and a conversation starter for you in the early weeks.

Give your child time to unwind
Think about your own after-work needs. Just like you, they need time to decompress after a long day at school. Try not to jump right in with questions about school the moment your kids are dismissed.

Develop your kids' conversation skills
If you're not getting the answer you're looking for from your kids, it could be that their conversation skills need a little work. Show them that a good conversation begins with eye contact, appropriate body language, and a warm greeting.

Share some of your day.
By sharing how your day went, you're modeling for your kids the kind of information that you'd like to hear from them: "This is what I did today that I felt really good about. ..." "This is what I did today that was a little bit hard, but I did it anyway. ..."

These statements naturally lead to questions that you can ask your kids: "What was one thing that you did today that was hard (or fun) for you?"

Keeping your children safe (continued) Africa (CAPFSA

Road Safety - the information is taken directly from the CHILD SAFETY MANUAL produced by the Child Accident Prevention Foundation of Southern Africa

Young children have certain limitations:

Size: They are physically small and drivers cannot see them when they are in front or behind a vehicle. Sometimes they have to walk between parked cars to see if there is traffic.
Eye sight: Children will see what interests them when they look down a road and therefore will not notice an oncoming vehicle. They also have limited scanning vision. i.e. they see things directly in front of them and may not see things approaching from the side.
Hearing: Young children are unable to correctly identify the direction where sound comes from and may also not be able to identify the different sounds in the road situation.
Concentration: They can only concentrate on one thing at a time and for short periods.
Distractibility: They are impulsive and easily distracted. They may run into the road without warning. Movement of bright attractive things and animals distracts young children.
Limited experience and knowledge: their experience of traffic situations is limited and they are unable to understand abstract concepts such as safe and dangerous.
Unpredictable: their impulsivity and spontaneity makes them unpredictable.
Egocentricity: Young children think that the world revolves around them and that they are the centre of the world. So they do not always realize that there are other factors in the complex and dangerous traffic situations.
Prevention
Visibility: Parents must ensure that children can be seen, e.g. dressing them in bright colours; reflective strips on school bags.
Active practice sessions in the road with the child are necessary to apply safety rules that have been taught.
No child under the age of eight years should cross the road without the assistance and supervision of an adult.
Cycling: Parents must ensure that young children under the age of 8 years, riding bicycles, are not allowed in traffic. They have not fully developed the physical and cognitive skills needed to display reliable judgment in the road situation.

PARENT CENTRE MOMS TO BE AND MOMS AND BABIES GROUP

Some of the comments from the moms include –
Thank you so much for the fantastic group….I have learnt so much about being a mom and about myself and have made some special friendships too.
We will never forget this wonderful experience.
The group was a lifesaver – I don’t know what I would have done without it.
I found it very helpful in the early months

From the beginning of this year, we have encouraged pregnant Moms to join in our group to prepare them for their journey INTO motherhood.

Those who attended, have given positive feedback that they have found helpful advice on what to buy/not buy or do/not do or read/not read etc!!

When they return to the group with their tiny new babies, they are given such a warm welcome by the other Moms who encourage, support and motivate them.

We had about 140 Moms and babes at the group this year. Most of these are babes in arms – we always had a little fun in the group as in days gone by, Moms made sure their littlies ‘graduated’ to sitting on the blanket on the floor before they returned to work, but now most of the babes are about 4 months old when the Moms leave the group and they are still being cuddled on their laps.

Daycare for babies is a MAJOR concern for Moms and we held a brainstorming session, and discussed different alternatives. We have circulated an article written for this, giving moms different options.

We have had so many new speakers this year. It is so reassuring to meet others who are so passionate about their subject and sincerely interested in and concerned about the wellbeing of moms and babies.

We are looking forward to meeting lots of new Moms to be and Moms and babies in 2010.

Margie and Nasiera
(Facilitators)

Developing Autonomy in Children by Angela Huchison

Marcel Proust said: “We don’t receive wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no-one can take for us or spare us”.

If I had to ask anyone what they wanted for their children down the road, most would probably put “independence” and “being capable and able” quite high up on the list. But when it comes to the crunch in everyday life, moment by moment of their lives, we often take away our children’s opportunities to do things for themselves – sometimes it’s just easier, often we are in a hurry and don’t have the time and sometimes we just want to feel needed.

So remember these few things:

“Don’t just do something, stand there” – a great mantra when you’re about to dive in and help a child before it is necessary. This is one of the reasons I leave my children alone with puzzles. If I help, I can’t help taking over. I watched today as a shirt went on backwards and bit my tongue as my child figured it out.

Haim Ginott says: “The measure of a good parent is what he is willing NOT to do for his child”.

And then there is “Give them practice everyday to know, trust and believe in themselves”.

I often speak about parenting using boxing as an analogy. You are your child’s support team, the guy who gives water, replaces the gum guard and provides encouraging words. The support guy never jumps into the ring and flattens the opponent. He helps the boxer fight his own fight.

Remember short term pain, long term gain – if you do bite your tongue and let your child struggle with that jar until he asks you for help, maybe providing some suggestions, instead of jumping in and offering to do it for him, you will reap the long-term benefits of a capable child.

Don’t save your children from frustration – frustration is their brain saying “I can do this better”, give them the time and space to do that. Barbara Mackoff speaks about being your child’s cheerleader, not rescuer.

Teach your children to be solution-focused, not problem focused – “Mom I am hungry” is a problem. “Mom please can I have something to eat, I am hungry” is a solution. They will also learn that asking for help is a solution too. This also encourages them to seek help outside the home, knowing that not every answer is contained within.

A huge part of developing autonomy is giving children choices and allowing them to know that with choices come consequences. If I wear the red shirt, I have given up the opportunity to wear the blue shirt.

The more we get our children to understand that their very own choices provide their own consequences, the more they are able to learn that they take responsibility for their world and the impact of their choices. Providing choices and allowing consequences also take away the necessity for punitive means of discipline.

Let your children dream, let them have hope. If a child wants to audition for the lead in the school play (and you know that that’s just not going to happen), what does it serve your child to say “oh, you’ll never get that part”, shutting down the dream, instead of giving the child the life experience of trying out.

A mom told me recently of her little boy of 8 who said he wanted to be a fighter pilot and his dad’s response was “oh, there’s no money in that”, A little exploration could be such a learning experience. Or the 14 year old who tried to get a job. His mom wanted to say, “you’re too young, you have to be 16”, but he enquired, learnt the age problem and a whole bunch of other things that helped inform his choices for the future.

Then of course one of the biggest areas to build autonomy is to act as mediator between your children’s conflicts, not their problem solver. Let them know you trust that they can solve their disputes, that you will be there to guide if necessary, but the ball is in their court.

Stay out of the details of your children’s lives. You do not need to know everything that is going on in their lives, unless they are comfortable sharing with you. Don’t always think something is wrong if they are not sharing, they are just people living their lives and you are only one part of it.

There is nothing more rewarding as a parent to watch the face of a child who has struggled with something and then reached the light at the end of the tunnel…….give your children millions of opportunities to do this everyday.

Remember Ruth Stanford’s story about the butterfly: “A compassionate person, seeing a butterfly struggling to free itself from its cocoon, and wanting to help, very gently loosened the filaments to form an opening. The butterfly was freed, emerged from the cocoon, and fluttered about, but could not fly. What the compassionate person did not know was that only through the birth struggle can the wings grow strong enough for flight.

Its shortened life was spent on the ground, it never knew freedom, it never really lived”.

PARENTZONE

This page is dedicated to common concerns and successes parents have.
Readers are invited to send in their parenting questions, by fax, e-mail or snail mail, and a counsellor will respond.

Question

I keep getting told to make time for myself, to look after myself etc BUT with a tiny baby, a porridge brain, lack of sleep, HOW do I do that!!.

Answer

This is a very frequently asked question and maybe we can assist in a very practical way. In so many magazines and on so many TV and Radio programmes for Moms, the professionals suggest that the Moms feel less out of control and less overwhelmed if they try and get into some sort of routine. By this, we don’t necessarily mean a rigid feeding and sleeping routine for the baby as this may be counter productive… BUT try and get into another kind of routine whereby the days don’t just blur into one another but that say, Monday is the day to get grocery shopping done, Thursday is the day to come to a Moms and babies group like ours ( even if you cant make it at exactly 10am, just come whenever you can get there after that) and one or two days a week, make a plan to get out, to see friends, to meet at the park, go to a nursery, go for walks, or do some pleasurable retail therapy ( or just looking!!!).

Find out from your local Clinic or the Cape Towns Child magazine for instance, what activities there are for Moms in your area. Find out from other Moms who find themselves in the same situation that you are in, what child-friendly places there are and especially those that are free to go to! It is a good feeling when you have something to look forward to and to plan towards at least once or twice a week. Try your best to meet other Moms and to get together with them, forming a valued support system and you will not feel so alone – you can compare notes and realize that there are others too who feel the same. Hopefully you will meet Moms and can share babysitting and so you can get to gym, movies etc as time goes by.

It is also good for you to keep in touch with friends from before, so that you don’t feel that your whole life is gobbled up by your new role! Think about reading, either a book or a magazine or a newspaper, doing the crossword puzzle, baking, some handwork or craft, doing 5 minutes of exercises or whatever.

Start by aiming to do one little thing a day for yourself, even if it is reading one page or chapter, doing 2 lines of the crossword puzzle, making the easiest fridge cake ever, creating one card or varnishing your nails. Join your local library where you can not only get books and magazines but also DVDs.

As a Mom you will get used to making endless lists so start now by getting a pen and paper – plan to take little steps forward or ‘bite size’ efforts, whatever you feel you can cope with:
Write down your aim/goal or what you feel you would like to do and then as you do even the smallest thing, tick it off – remember at school how affirming a tick was…well give yourself a tick and you would actually be surprised how much you can and are able to do/achieve especially as time goes by and you look back on your list. Often if you see it written down and ticked off, you may feel better about yourself. You will see that there is ‘progress’ in your list/diary and you will feel a sense that you have ‘grown’.

Moms often feel they aren’t achieving something on a daily basis (as they did at work) but looking after a baby on a daily basis is a huge task, totally underrated by society.

Don’t despair – just pace yourself and don’t put yourself down. Remember that in the beginning, even washing your hair or making a cup of tea, was a big effort and achievement. Be kind to yourself by making a date with yourself every day to do something nice. however small!

Margie Davison
Social Worker/facilitator
Parent Centre Moms to be and Moms and babies group

2009 staff party at Pat and Anthony Coombe’s home, where all kinds of hats and other head gears were shown off.