Questions & Answers

More Questions & Answers

Readers are invited to send in their parenting questions, by fax, email or snail mail, and a senior counsellor will respond. .

Q: It's nearly exam time - how can I motivate my boys (15 and 11) to study harder? They can definitely do better, they're just a bit lazy. In the afternoons they have to stay in their rooms and learn, but I'm not sure if they really do. Should I help them?

A: Being a parent of 2 sons, now grownup and who were very typically like yours, I can identify with your concern. I learnt that schoolwork problems are usually often discipline problems in disguise. It is also a power struggle and it is important to diffuse these struggles by following the cardinal rules of discipline in general. This means setting limits that are reasonable and sticking to them. So you are on the right track by restricting them to their rooms and being consistent about enforcing homework and study time. However, if this happens immediately after they return from school then maybe it’s a bit unreasonable as children need a gap between ending the school day and doing homework or studying. Furthermore, you can force them to stay in their rooms but you cant force them to study.

Perhaps the following strategy will help.

Tell them that you are concerned about their school work but you know that learning is their responsibility and you want to hand over that responsibility to them. Follow this by giving them a choice in deciding on a study and homework schedule. Your help and support will come in the form of helping them with this schedule which all of you can live with - taking into account after-school activities and favorite TV programs and working in breaks.

Give choices - but not too many. If they want to watch a show before beginning work, this is in order but then they have to sit down and get started - even if that means missing a "very important" program later.

NB! Leave the issuing of expectations and consequences to the school. They will learn from experiencing consequences at school when they haven’t done their homework.

Q: My son of nine always enjoyed school, but suddenly he doesn't want to go anymore. He says there is a new boy in his class that's teasing him and calling him names. How should I deal with the situation?

A: As it is a new boy, it could be that the school might not yet know that he has been bullying your son and perhaps other children, too? It is up to the school to find out about the child's circumstances and take/recommend appropriate action. Children who bully other children are often frightened children who are being bullied themselves within the home. It is very sensible of your son to tell you about it and it might be just as important for him to tell his teacher about it as well. The bullying must be stopped.

I am glad you are taking your son's confidence seriously. It is an indication that he trusts you to both protect him and help him to problem solve. There are many ways in which he could choose to respond. Ask him what he has thought about; ask him what he has tried and what he has seen other children do about being bullied. Add some suggestions of your own and then let him choose the option that he feels most able to apply.

It is a good idea to role play it. Let him role play the bully and take his role and then the other way around. Practice boosts confidence and helps us feel in charge.

Bullies often pick on children in whom they sense vulnerability, because the bully is afraid of his own vulnerability. Your son can surprise him by standing up for himself despite his fear - that is true courage.

Q: We're moving from a quiet town to the city in two months' time, as my husband got a new job with a much better salary. How do I prepare my children of 9 and 7 for the move and big change in their lives? Both were born in the town and they're very happy here.

A: I expect, like you, the children will feel a mix of excitement and apprehension about a new chapter in their lives, as well as the feelings that go with loss.

Talking about the feelings as they come up - or get acted out - is the best preparation.

Simply saying; "I am going to miss ... ", as often as it comes to mind, is useful as it gives the children permission to express how they feel about leaving behind all sorts of people and places that mean a lot to them. By being in touch with the feelings and being able to name feelings, we begin to work through the losses and put ourselves in a better position to embrace the new.

Saying good-bye is an important ritual that gives closure. One often hears the lament "but I did not have time to say good-bye!" There will be sorting before the packing and inevitably stuff to be left behind. Consulting the children or keeping them informed about what is going to happen to stuff works well. When there are protests or tears, again feelings need to be given a name; eg "it is sad not to be able to take .... with us". Saying good-bye to school and other activities can perhaps be given some sort of ritual - a farewell cake or little notes .. ask the children for ideas.

In the same way, sharing plans and arrangements ahead prepare the way. I would suggest that you do not go into too much detail as children can find adult preoccupations burdensome. Children prefer to be told firmly that mom and are taking care of it and when they want to know more, answer their questions simply and accurately as they come up.

Obviously, a positive, confident approach is not only a comfort to the child but a source of excitement. I wish you all well in your new life.

Q: It seems like my teenage daughter of thirteen, changed overnight. She spends hours alone in her room with the door closed, fights with her brother of ten all the time and is critical of me and her father. I know such behaviour was to be expected and I don’t want to overreact, but I’m also concerned about things like drugs.

A: The onset of adolescence can be sudden or gradual. Often a sudden onset goes hand in hand with a change in circumstances, such as a new school or a loss of a friend or a member of the family.

In any case, adolescence means struggling with a new image of oneself that is unfamiliar, and feeling uncertain of how one is seen by others, especially one’s peers.

You ask a good question; “What should my motto be?” I have heard it said that the last thing we should do with teenagers is to leave them alone. I agree with it as a broad principle, provided their need for privacy is also respected.

In order to keep the child (despite her teen-ness) in the communal space in the home for at least some of the time, I suggest that homework is done at the kitchen table or, yes, even at the coffee table in front of her TV soaps!

Encouraging her to stay in the family space requires our tolerance of her style and our protection of her space from encroachment by younger siblings.

Nothing gains the cooperation of an older child as much as giving her space within the family the respect that her emerging sense of identity craves. Eg “your sister is doing her homework in here, please play somewhere else for awhile” or “your sister and I are talking over something important, I’ll come to you when we are done”.

We also need to begin the daunting task of walking a tightrope between avoiding intrusive questions and at the same being interested and accessible. Teenagers are likely to criticize our efforts in this regard.

She may say; “don’t ask so many questions” and a little later “you are not interested in what I do”. But do not be deflected. You are her mainstay and although one moment she may feel she can take on the world, the next moment she may feel unable to take the next, simple step on her own.

It is counter-productive to comment on this changing about, but we must also resist the temptation to “walk on eggs” around her moods. Parents must keep to the task of taking charge of the structure of the child’s life, even in adolescence. At the same time, we take her emerging womanhood seriously when we listen to her thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Q: My 10 year old daughter won’t stop eating. All she ever seems to think about is her next meal. I’m worried she is going to land up with an eating disorder. What can I do to help her?

A: The best way to help is not to worry about it. Children pick up on our concern and it compels them to act it out. Provide healthy food and snacks, remembering that children need starch and fat and at least natural sugars, as well as fruit, vegetables and protein.

For hungry children, I like to suggest that two thick slices of fresh, delicious bread be put out on their side plate as well as their plate of food at each meal, and pudding at suppertime.

It is really helpful if you can not comment at all on her eating, or anyone else’s for that matter. Say no to whatever does not feel permissible, but without explanations and justifications. Simply say ‘no” in a casual, non-emotional manner. If her eating needs more detailed direction it is better to have a dietician do it, if that is possible.

Q: My young son seems to absolutely hate being parted from me. Does he have separation anxiety and how can I alleviate it?

A: Yes, I imagine he has. You don’t say what age he is, but no matter the age, it is up to us to convey to him that he is being left for a manageable length of time and that there is an expectation that he will have a good time.

As parents, we have to say no to our own separation anxiety that may take the form of fearing that no one can care for our child as well as we can, nor can anybody else offer him anything other than we have to offer him.

We can convey this by using a firm, calm matter-of-fact tone of voice, and by resisting the impulse to reassure him. A cheerful “good-bye, see you later” even in the teeth of his resistance will tell him that you are OK about leaving him, and he will conclude that he is OK too.

Q: What is the best way to stop my toddler from hitting and biting?

A: Just that, stop him. Watch carefully, and as soon as you see it start, get up swiftly and pick him up.

You can add, “I will not allow you to hit (or bite)”. Show him that because you are in charge, he is not at the mercy of his aggressive impulses.

You can be counted on to protect him and his victims until he has learnt to not do it on his own. It does not require lectures or put-downs or punishment. If he goes straight back, stop him again, and again, and if it gets too much, take him home and try again another day.

Q: My 22-month-old daughter rarely plays on her own. How do I gently teach her the skill of playing on her own for short periods of time?

A: There can be many reasons why children believe they must have a playmate at all times. But the one that I am going to use here, is when the mother has unintentionally taken responsibility for the child’s play, so that the child assumes that is what Mommy is for - to play with me.

The child needs to know that play is her department. She needs to know that it is up to her what and how she plays in the moment. Play is how the child explores the world around her and experiments with how she finds her place in it.

Of course, we play with our children for their pleasure and for our own. But, to safeguard against taking over, it might be useful to wait to be invited. An early example is the infant who pretends to feed you and you pretend to eat what she offers. She has taken the initiative.

Encouraging her to play on her own does not seem to work very well, perhaps because she sees it as fobbing her off. So, I often suggest that the mother sit in a comfortable, communal place for about 20 minutes (not in the child’s room or on your bed) with a cup of tea and some handwork if you like, so that you are accessible but not active. Don’t make any suggestions. Resist all temptation to take the initiative. At the same time don’t read, don’t take or make phone calls, don’t talk to other adults except in passing if need be. Just BE there.

If your child asks you to get up and do the playing for her, just tell her “No, I don’t want to. I want to sit here” and see what happens. She may take time to get the message. When she does take an initiative, don’t intervene. If she invites you to take part, do so only so far and no further than invited. Don’t take over.

When she gets going, you can extend her choice of play if you like. E.g. “Your bunny may be hungry. What do bunnies eat, do you think? Do you think he might like some leaves?” But given your concern that she has had little practice in making her own play, I would not do this for awhile. Let her find her own way in her play.

Q: How to deal with a 9-year-old boy who hates to study, although he likes to go to school?

A: This question could be answered in many different ways depending on the child’s capacity and circumstances. But perhaps what applies to all of us is that our efforts to help our children learn can be encouraging, or discouraging, and we can tell by their responses.

If his results are not improving it might be that he is feeling discouraged, despite the opposite intention embarked upon.

Discouraged means he might feel that he can’t do it, or he can’t do it well enough to please you or his teacher or even that he is just not good enough!

If this is so, do not despair as it is easily turned around by finding and focusing on every tiny positive that there is, and at the same time stopping all that he might construe as negativity. I have found that our anxiety (we see it as concern) is especially perceived by the child as negativity, as a vote of no confidence. e.g. Such an intentionally helpful suggestion as “let us just go over your spelling once more so you will be sure to do better in your test tomorrow” can translate into “mommy is worried that I am going to mess up” and then he does! Whereas a comment such as “I can see that there are many words that you know really well for your test tomorrow”.. will give him confidence to get those right when the time comes, and may even motivate him to decide for himself to go over the others!

Q: I am a single mother of a son who is reaching puberty. Because he doesn’t have a father, I feel it is my duty to teach him about the facts of life. How do I do this without embarrassing him at this sensitive age?

A: You might be surprised how well informed he already is. Perhaps you can ask him if there is anything that he is not clear about?

It is always best to stick to answering a specific question rather than rambling on. It is also instructive sometimes to find a book that says it the way you feel comfortable about, and give it to him to read. He can then ask you to clarify anything if need be. Probably, what he would find most interesting is for you to tell him something about how women/girls see the subject according to your own experience. This models a willingness to be open yourself and to share information that he might find useful, so that he might feel able to share information with you that might be helpful for you to understand how it is for children growing up today.

Q: How do you make your child listen? I have a 10 year old son who never listens to a thing I say. If I want him to pick up his clothes from the floor I need to ask him 10 times and then eventually scream at him before he’ll actually do it. What can I do to make him listen?

A: Your issue is one that is shared by many, many parents. The answer lies in your description of what happens when you try to get him to do what he has to do.

First, the child does not listen to what we say. We find that one reason for this is that we talk too much and the child tunes us out. Any expectation should not be more than one sentence, preferably only a few words. A ONE-LINER as one parent called it. We must resist what I call the “add-ons” (I am only asking you once, you never listen to a word I say, who do you think does all the work around here and so on… according to our own particular style of complaint). A simple “bring me all the clothes on the floor” is an example of the one-liner without any add-ons.

When we scream the child hears, because now he/she knows we mean it. We can get a child to hear that we mean it by TAKING ACTION FROM THE START i.e. no more remote-control parenting. Initially it is much more our job to get the child to obey than it is the child’s job to do so. Go up and stand there until he does it, if necessary repeating the one-liner in a matter-of-fact, firm tone of voice. TONE OF VOICE IS THE TRICK. When we whine, beg, demand, get exasperated, threaten, shout or hit, it might work eventually, but next time we have to go through it again and it gets increasingly harrowing. Sticking with it in the first place, without blaming or shaming, not only gets the job done but everyone feels better about themselves at the same time.

Q: Is it too early to discipline a 10 month old child?

A: Yes, it is generally thought that it is too early to discipline a child until he/she has at least ventured forth from the lap, and needs protection from hurting herself and later hurting others. Even then discipline should take the form of the parent taking action to ensure her safety, rather than expecting the infant to understand.

Infants do not have the capacity to manage their own anxiety, and are easily overwhelmed by it. It is not naughtiness.

The caregiver who murmurs reassurances, comforts, soothes, distracts, plays as well as meeting the child’s physical needs, allows the child to learn trust, which is the foundation of all development.

Q: What effect will it have on a child if the father figure is absent?

A: It might depend on why he is not involved in the child’s life, and whether the children would want contact.

Generally, children want and need their father’s involvement. He expresses his love for them by wanting to spend as much time with them as possible; by being an important part of their daily lives. Many fathers have not experienced close fathering themselves and therefore do not realise the importance of this relationship.

If, however, it is not possible to engage father for whatever reason, then the child will have to be helped to understand this, and be helped to cope by talking and listening to the child. It also helps to involve male relatives in the child’s life. This will counteract negative effects absent fathering may have. It is not helpful to dwell too much on possible negative effects. It is better to help the child come to terms with the difficulties and build his/her self-esteem.

Q: If I have only one hour to spend with my child, how should I spend it?

A: Be available.

Sometimes I suggest to busy parents that they simply sit down somewhere communal and comfortable, perhaps with a cup of tea or coffee, and surprise the child by doing nothing; no reading, no phoning, no writing, no calling out to anyone else, no chatting to another adult, not even any handwork (although this need not necessarily be a barrrier). Also, try not to direct the child in any way; don’t make suggestions like “why don’t you ...” and don’t offer to read or play or even talk to them.

The point is that you give the child the space to take the initiative and that you show yourself to be a hundred per cent available (for that hour) to watch, join in, stand by - whatever the child should choose, provided, of course, it is safe. Parents report that even toddlers take off and play on their own with huge contentment after this completely focused and child-centred time, whereas they might usually cling and cry for attention.

Q: My four-year-old is very attention seeking. He talks to me all the time and demands my attention constantly. It’s so bad my husband and I can no longer hold a conversation because he stands next to us and talks to us constantly. We fight all the time. What is going on?

A: Three things come to mind that may be going on. You will know if one or more fit with the issue with which you are faced:

Nowadays parents lead very busy, stressful lives that require rushing from one task to the next. Children cannot get their needs met in a rush, because they can’t store them up or put them on hold until we have the time. We have to make time somewhere along the line that is task-free. Even bed-time is not completely task-free, although it is an important time for intimacy and being quietly together at the end of the day. Time elsewhere in the day seems to be required.

A good time is on return from work. Delay the dinner preparations and countless other tasks, make a cup of tea/coffee and just sit there with your feet up. Don’t read, and don’t use the phone. Don’t offer a game and don’t make suggestions as to how your child uses the time. Just be there. Parents tell me, to their surprise, children don’t even cling or climb but often go off to play, content to know there is a still spot for that short time should they need it. It serves as a kind of shelter throughout the day. Try and make it half-an-hour, although even less will count.

In addition, many children seem not to have learnt how to wait. Perhaps so much is done on the hop, that we are forced to fob our children off by giving in to demands in whatever way saves time.

Learning to wait is a skill that is essential for development, because in the gap between the wish and the response is the potential for growth, and for finding the resources within. Simply saying “you can listen only”, holding up a warning finger, and not stopping until you are done teaches the child what is appropriate. Your own creativity will be given a challenge as you find a way to do this without giving in!

It is not clear whether you and your husband fight all the time because your son is attention seeking, or whether your son is attention seeking (in part) because you fight all the time? Sometimes children unconsciously try to fill the space so as to act as the glue to keep the parents together? It is helpful for them to know that they don’t have to do it. It is our job to be in charge so children can leave decisions up to us. When we set clear limits and see them through, the child is freed to turn away from adult concerns and get on with playing and learning.

Q: How can I get my child to share. My 5-year-old daughter is suddenly refusing to share anything with anyone. She never used to be like this. Is this just a normal phase that she’s going through or should I be worried?

A: There may be all sorts of reasons for change in behaviour. Most commonly, it is about a new sibling who not only takes up much of mother’s time, but has become mobile and “into” the older child’s toys and games?

It is often easier for us to say “give it to the baby” than to protect the 5-year-old from invasion, thereby giving her the choice to share or not, that which she once enjoyed.

Children are naturally generous when it is left up to their spontaneity and it does not feel like a demand.

When there is a game set out on the floor it is easier to pick up the baby and take him/her elsewhere. Otherwise, ask the older child if the baby may have some part of it?

Q: I have two children aged 8 and 5 who continuously fight with each other. They often hit and kick one another and I do not approve of this. The elder one is often nasty to the younger one (saying and doing things that she knows he does not like) which causes him to lash out. Please give me suggestions as how to handle the situation when it arises.

A: Fighting in a family is very common. With two or more children in a family, there will always be some degree of bickering, arguing or teasing. Parents often feel disappointed about this and respond in different ways: by interfering, taking sides, ignoring or punishing one or both of the culprits. However, most siblings also show a liking or loyalty to each other, which outlasts minor irritations and it has been said that minor squabbling among siblings can have positive outcomes. It can teach children how to defend themselves, stand up for their own rights, express their feelings, and resolve conflicts. However when sibling rivalry becomes excessive, it is time for parents to intervene quickly. Parents should not tolerate frequent destructive teasing or baiting which can tear down the other’s self-esteem, and physical attacks or fights where injury may be the result, should not be allowed by parents under any circumstances.

Some ways of dealing with fighting are:

Teach the children how to express their feelings of anger or annoyance directly to each other, as letting angry feelings out is better than forcing them underground. Acknowledge their angry or hurt feelings, but make it clear to them that you will not allow them to harm each other physically (hitting) or with words (name-calling, ridicule or destructive teasing).

If the intensity is too high, separate them and keep them out of each other’s way for a while until they are ready to make up. Often fighting-time coincides with hunger periods, as lowered sugar levels lead to irritation and short tempers. An organised tea break of biscuits, juice or sandwiches often reduces conflicts.

Don’t be afraid to offer rewards. When two siblings are constantly fighting, say to them, “Look, if you two play together this afternoon with either of you hitting, fighting or calling names, I’m going to give you both a surprise. I can’t tell you what the surprise is now, but it will be something you both like. If I hear absolutely no fighting of any kind for the next 2 hours, then you both get the surprise. But if either of you starts arguing , then nobody gets the surprise, no matter who starts it. Do you understand?” As a reward you might give each one a favorite snack, small toy or trip out somewhere you know they like to go. Don’t give up if it doesn’t work the first time. Tell them they can have another opportunity at another time soon.

Encourage good play whenever you see it instead of heaving a sigh of relief when you notice and quietly creep away. It is a very important rule for parents to become aware of giving attention to and praising good behavior as in this way we are teaching, rewarding and reinforcing that behavior. Unfortunately too often it is only the bad behaviour that gets our attention, which then reinforces the very behaviour we wish to eliminate.

Teach your children that it takes two to fight. They actually have a choice to accept or decline the invitation of the other to fight. They don’t have to react to every teasing word or action but can learn to ignore the other sibling, and walk away.

Q: I have a very spirited four year-old boy who loves to engage me in any way possible. One of his favorite activities is playing a board game (such as snakes and ladders) with me. However, he feels as if he has to win. Losing is not an option. In fact he will do anything to avoid losing, including, cheating and confabulating new rules. I want him to learn that winning is important but that simply playing is even more important. I want him to learn that one does not win every time, and how to lose graciously.

A: Thank you for your very real description of a small boy learning to cope with his competitiveness. I would suggest that reasonably enforcing the rules and letting the game take its course is an appropriate response.

It seems that your spirited four year old son is handling his disappointment when he loses remarkably well, by trying to hold onto his tears before he cries and runs away to collect himself. It might be useful to reflect how he is feeling (e.g. “It must feel so disappointing to not win this time”), and affirm how well he is learning to handle his feelings when he does not win, which is hard when what it is matters.

Snakes and Ladders, of course, matter to a 4 year old otherwise he would not play it! I have not found it helpful to explain that it is just the playing of the game that is important, because it is not! The fun is to see who wins, and it is much more fun if it is me. What is useful is to model by our actions that we, too, want to win but because only one of us can win at a time, if I don’t win this time, I will try again and again until I do!

Competition is part of living, better off out in the open with the appropriate feelings of elation or disappointment acknowledged. Otherwise, it goes underground and does not get the practice necessary to be used positively.

Q: My 11 year old daughter recently asked me about sex and contraception. I am worried that she is thinking of having sex. How should I handle this? I strongly feel she is too young to deal with a sexual relationship.

A: It seems to me understandable and appropriate that your 11 year old daughter should be asking about topics that are made so public today. She is showing a trust in you to hear the need she has to make sense of it.

Our challenge as parents is to find a way to make sense of it ourselves, to be sure what it is that our children want to know, and to answer them where they are “at”. We also need to be aware of how our assumptions can get in the way of clear communication.

You might like to tell your daughter you will help her the best way you can to understand, but it will help you if she first told you what it is exactly she wants to know? Whatever it is she wants to know will give you an idea of what she already knows and why she needs to know more. Then it is best to give a thoughtful, accurate but SHORT answer. If she asks more, tell her more.

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