If I had to ask anyone what they wanted for their children down the road, most would probably put independence and being capable and able quite high up on the list. But when it comes to the crunch in everyday life, moment by moment of their lives, we often take away our children's opportunities to do things for themselves, sometimes it'ss just easier, often we are in a hurry and don't have the time and sometimes we just want to feel needed.

So remember these few things:

Don't just do something, stand there: a great mantra when you're about to dive in and help a child before it is necessary. This is one of the reasons I leave my children alone with puzzles. If I help, I can't help taking over. I watched today as a shirt went on backwards and bit my tongue as my child figured it out.

Haim Ginott says: The measure of a good parent is what he is willing NOT to do for his child.

And then there is: Give them practice everyday to know, trust and believe in themselves.

I often speak about parenting using boxing as an analogy. You are your child's support team, the guy who gives water, replaces the gum guard and provides encouraging words. The support guy never jumps into the ring and flattens the opponent. He helps the boxer fight his own fight.

Remember short term pain, long term gain: if you do bite your tongue and let your child struggle with that jar until he asks you for help, maybe providing some suggestions, instead of jumping in and offering to do it for him, you will reap the long-term benefits of a capable child.

Don't save your children from frustration : frustration is their brain saying I can do this better, give them the time and space to do that. Barbara Mackoff speaks about being your child' cheerleader, not rescuer.

Teach your children to be solution-focused, not problem focused : Mom I am hungry, is a problem. Mom please can I have something to eat, I am hungry is a solution. They will also learn that asking for help is a solution too. This also encourages them to seek help outside the home, knowing that not every answer is contained within.

A huge part of developing autonomy is giving children choices and allowing them to know that with choices come consequences. If I wear the red shirt, I have given up the opportunity to wear the blue shirt.

The more we get our children to understand that their very own choices provide their own consequences, the more they are able to learn that they take responsibility for their world and the impact of their choices. Providing choices and allowing consequences also take away the necessity for punitive means of discipline.

Let your children dream, let them have hope. If a child wants to audition for the lead in the school play (and you know that that's just not going to happen), what does it serve your child to say oh, you'll never get that part, shutting down the dream, instead of giving the child the life experience of trying out.

A mom told me recently of her little boy of 8 who said he wanted to be a fighter pilot and his dad'ss response was oh, there's no money in that, A little exploration could be such a learning experience. Or the 14 year old who tried to get a job. His mom wanted to say, you're too young, you have to be 16, but he enquired, learnt the age problem and a whole bunch of other things that helped inform his choices for the future.

Then of course one of the biggest areas to build autonomy is to act as mediator between your children's conflicts, not their problem solver. Let them know you trust that they can solve their disputes, that you will be there to guide if necessary, but the ball is in their court.

Stay out of the details of your children's lives. You do not need to know everything that is going on in their lives, unless they are comfortable sharing with you. Don't always think something is wrong if they are not sharing, they are just people living their lives and you are only one part of it.

There is nothing more rewarding as a parent to watch the face of a child who has struggled with something and then reached the light at the end of the tunnel.  Give your children millions of opportunities to do this everyday.

Remember Ruth Stanford's story about the butterfly: A compassionate person, seeing a butterfly struggling to free itself from its cocoon, and wanting to help, very gently loosened the filaments to form an opening. The butterfly was freed, emerged from the cocoon, and fluttered about, but could not fly. What the compassionate person did not know was that only through the birth struggle can the wings grow strong enough for flight.

Its shortened life was spent on the ground, it never knew freedom, it never really lived.