Tell your older child that you are having another baby

It is much better that your child hears from you that you are having another baby rather than hearing someone else suddenly asking  “Are you looking forward to having a new baby sister or brother?” 

 

Accept your older child’s feelings about   

the new baby

Having a new baby will be stressful for your older child. (Just imagine your partner coming home and telling you that he plans to take on a second wife, as well as you).  Your older child will have feelings about being asked to make place for a new baby who will be taking over his place as the baby in the family. He may be angry, jealous, hurt.  But children usually do not have the ability to put their feelings into words and rather tend to act out their feelings in negative behaviour.  For example he may become clingy; a potty trained child may start to wet his pants, he may fight more than usual; an older child may want a bottle or dummy again. Your older child will be able to cope with these feelings if you are able to understand and bear or tolerate these feelings yourself. 

For example: 

Child:       “I don’t want another baby.” 

Parent:    “I can hear that you don’t like the idea of sharing me.” 

Child:       “You’re always with the baby! 

Parent:    “You don’t like me spending so much time with her.” 

Child:       “Send the baby back”. 

Parent:     “You don’t want her here.  

         Sometimes you wish she’d go  

         away.” 

 

Talk about the new baby during the pregnancy 

Tell the child where the baby is and let him feel it move. Discuss names and speculate about sex but do not describe it as a 

“brother or sister to play with”. It will not be a play mate for months yet. Instead talk about how helpless it will be and how it will cry, need to be fed by you, wet its nappies and need to be changed. 

 

Talk about arrangements around the birth 

Plan the care arrangement for the older child around the birth. Ideally the person who would be caring for him should know 

him well, has cared for him before and realizes that this would be a difficult time for him. Chatting to the older child about these arrangements may help him to worry less.  For example, “when I go to hospital you won’t be alone. Granny and daddy will be looking after you.”  Do not make promises that you may be unable to keep, for example that you will only be gone for a few hours. 

 

Keep changes to a minimum 

Not surprisingly, children who have major disruptions to their usual routines around the time of the birth of the new baby tend to experience more difficulties coping with the new baby’s arrival.  If you plan to stop breast feeding your older child, do so gradually while you are still pregnant. Try to have the new feeding routine established before the new baby arrives. 

 

 A close relationship between the older child  and his father or another adult helps 

When boys or girls have close relationships with their father or another adult, they seem to get less upset. They are less likely to feel left out if they are given the attention and care they were used to having. 

 

Coming home from hospital 

Ideally, when you come home, come in without the baby and concentrate on the older child, leaving the new baby with someone else for a bit. 

 

The first meeting between the older child and the new baby 

Some first meetings with the new baby go smoothly, with the older child being happy to see his new brother or sister. But not all first meetings happen in this way. Some older children show anger; anxiety; disinterest or awe of the new baby. Whatever the older child’s first reaction to the new baby, you need not worry. Bonding and relationship-building between the older child and new baby usually does begin within the first few days and weeks. 

 

 Encouraging the relationship between the older child and new baby 

☺  Notice the baby’s interest in the older child and comment on it. E.g “He likes it when you make that funny face.” 

☺ Show the older child how to draw out smiles from the baby, with gentle strokes, rattles, etc. 

☺ Encourage joint play. Eg peek- a- boo (where’s-he-where’s he) and copying the baby’s noises and expressions. 

☺Discuss what the baby may need or feel. “He’s crying because he’s hungry.”  

☺Give opportunities for the older child to join in the care of the baby.  To a toddler you could say “baby needs a new nappy. Would you please fetch one for me in that bag?”  But don’t overload the older child with responsibility. A 10 year old, for example, still needs time to play, do his schoolwork and should not be expected to be like a mother to the baby. 

☺ Make a point of praising him when he is caring towards the new baby.  

 

When the older child hurts the baby

Often when the older child hurts the baby it is not deliberate but because he does not know what gentle touch is. This is most often the case with toddlers. You then need to teach him to be gentle with the baby. When it seems as if the older child has hurt the baby deliberately, it is important to stay calm; understand the cause of the behaviour, perhaps he is missing your attention or is bored; do not label him as a “naughty boy” or “nasty child” If he has hit the baby with his hand, firmly hold his hand and say something like “it is not okay to hit your brother. Say sorry to your brother”. 

 

When the older child behaves in a babyish way 

It is not uncommon for the older child to behave in a babyish way after the new baby has arrived. He has after all noticed that babies attract a lot of attention!  Allow the older child to behave in a babyish way for a bit.  Also let him know that while the baby gets a lot of things he does not normally get, the baby is not getting anything he cannot have but only things he has grown out of and no longer needs.  

If your older child wants to try breast feeding, you could put some milk on your finger to let him taste the milk. 

by Jean Welsh - Educational Psychologist and supervisor

 

References:   

Coping with young children , Douglas, J and 

Richman, N 

Siblings without rivalry, Faber, A and 

Mazlish, E 

Baby and child by P Leach