It is never about the situation

It is always about the management of the situation.

 

Life happens, it is how you respond to the circumstances of life, that drive your experience of life on this planet.

 

3 major areas of management:

 

• Managing yourself
• Managing the relationship with the other parent of your children
• Managing your children

 

Managing yourself

 

“Bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die” (unknown)

 

The most important person in a divorce situation is yourself – if you are looking after yourself, your needs and your emotions, you are able to manage the relationship with the other parent and with the children.

 

The process of divorce is a time for grieving, for mourning the loss of what was, what could have been, what was expected.  It is also a time for moving forward and creating a new life.  And this process happens concurrently.  It is important to acknowledge the feelings that arise throughout the process and these bounce between those of grieving and loss, to those of excitement and new beginnings and the fears that go with both.  Acknowledgement is the first step to being able to manage those feelings – understand where they are coming from and what you choose to do with them that will serve you and your children best.

 

Perseverating on “what could have been”  (rather than the loss of what was) - what could have been if you had moved house, chosen a different career, walked across the road 5 minutes earlier….there are so many “what could have beens”  And could “what could have been” actually have been outside of your imagination?

 

Forgiveness is a choice…a process that takes time, a decision that takes time.  It is mainly for your benefit and your children’s, not your partners.  It gives you the opportunity to start seeing yourself as someone who is not a victim of a circumstance (what did I do to deserve this), but rather someone who can learn and grow from this circumstance.

 

Make a life for yourself outside of your children.  Besides the obvious, which is to lay a foundation for yourself for when your children are moving on with their own lives, it also takes the pressure off them while they live with you to be your support system, to be grown up before their time.

 

Be real with your children – let them know what your feelings are – putting on a brave face will catch up with you and you may snap.  But manage how you play those feelings out – often acknowledging the feelings helps to avoid the behaviour that can accompany them.

 

Managing the relationship between you and the other parent of your child/ren

 

“Divorce happens, but families are forever” (Stephen Loughhead Phd)

 

Marriage is one thing, having children creates the ties that bind. And the greatest gift you can give your children is to NOT put them on a rack, pulled in opposite directions.  They love you both, regardless.

 

The great irony of divorce when there are kids involved, is that you have to be better communicators than you ever were in your marriage.  And inevitably, poor communication is what broke the marriage down in the first place – whatever the final symptom was that drove the end of the marriage.

 

When I say “communication”, I don’t mean the fact that you talk nicely to one another and never have conflict.  By communication I mean acknowledging and knowing that you are dealing with a completely separate person, who sees the world with a completely different view point than you – and respecting that.  And that this works both ways.

 

When you’re in a relationship you can downplay the annoying things and look to the good – when out of it, the annoying things are in your face – So avoid a “I’m right, he’s wrong” mentality – it will not serve you or your children.  Anyway, both thinking the same means one of you is redundant – your children have the richness of more than one point of view.

 

Praise good parenting in the other parent – stop focusing on the negative – “all they did was watch TV all weekend”, look for something uplifting to say – even if it is “thank you for being here exactly on time”

 

Speak about the other parent affectionately – not when your _father_ gets here, rather “look, there’s dad” – you may have to force the smile in your voice – but it is soooo worth it – firstly it makes you see them in a better light and it helps your children feel secure that they are not loving someone you hate.  It is a choice not to hate the partner you have divorced – it is a process – it does not happen overnight – but if you focus on the positive, it comes over time

 

Boundaries – you have the responsibility to put boundaries in place with a manipulative spouse – and it take being empathetic and firm – good parenting skill.  Without you being manipulative back.

 

 

Managing your children -What do your children need from you?

 

Going Through Divorce – A Child’s Perspective

 

• Don’t put me in the middle
• Don’t make me take sides
• Allow me access to both parents – I want both of you to be a part of my life
• Let me enjoy my time with each of you
• Both stay involved in my life
• Get along
• Speak well of one another or not at all
• Listen to my feelings
• Keep as many other things in my life as consistent as possible
• Don’t replace me as a spouse or friend, I am your child
• Talk to friends or a therapist about the issues, not to me
• Please get me help if I am having difficulty coping
• Keep our traditions and routines going

 

All of this helps a child feel that he/she:

• belongs,
• is loved,
• is supported and

 

frees him from:

• guilt
• worry
• walking on eggshells to avoid saying the wrong thing

 

As parents -  married, single, divorced – we have a responsibility to give our children a voice, to allow them to feel what they feel and experience the world the way that they see it.  We are not their to “make it all better”  Divorce provides us with opportunities to allow our children their feelings (sometimes you find it difficult to go to dad for the weekend), without taking away the experience of having to deal with that discomfort (having to go anyway) and giving them a sense that you trust that they can do it.

 

For children it is mainly about belonging – in whatever way we create that home or homes.  Knowing that your parents will get together and discuss issues around you if you need them to. 

 

Final point: During the process of divorce, there are three main areas at play – Financial, Emotional, Children.  Keeping these 3 areas separate, in discrete boxes, helps to manage the process in the best interests of the child.